Through my eyes
It's hard to see the world
With the eyes of love
There is so much darkness
And so much pain
The world can be evil
And the people
Ignorant
Yet I use these eyes
Seeking that love
The love you know
Without saying
The love you know
By touch
And taste
And smell
My journey
Has been hard
And continues
To be even harder
For my search
Goes on
And my eyes
Are becoming strained
All I want
Is to have someone
Who knows me for me
Shines a light
On my darkness
Who will be in my embrace
As I die
And for me to know
That I have worth
That I meant something
That I was
It is through my eyes
That I search
And in my hopes
And in my dreams
I shall seek
And I will find
Or I will end my days
Knowing that I tried
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Mmm Hardware issues
Grumble and YAY!
Ok first the grumble.
I and psuche (my bro) spent the better part of Friday and Saturday trying to get my computer to work. First, I wanted to get my DVD/CD RW drive to recognize disks. So we spent some time figuring out what the issue was and why it couldn't read disks but could get Eject signals etc.
Needless to say, I exchanged it for a new one.
In the process of trying to fix it, one of my system files for XP got unrecoverably corrupted. We tried many things and eventually said it was unfixable, though I could still access the drive thankfully.
Needless to say, I got a new harddrive.
So this morning I spent most of it (til about and hour ago) trying to install XP onto the new hard drive. Apparently I was having some clashes with my memory and was freezing up. Still in the process of adding my previous antivirus and protection programs until just about....now.
YAY bro for helping me fix that!
Now I am up and running and am jonesing to play my game again...ahem I mean use my computer again.
Call me a dork, you know you want to!
Ok first the grumble.
I and psuche (my bro) spent the better part of Friday and Saturday trying to get my computer to work. First, I wanted to get my DVD/CD RW drive to recognize disks. So we spent some time figuring out what the issue was and why it couldn't read disks but could get Eject signals etc.
Needless to say, I exchanged it for a new one.
In the process of trying to fix it, one of my system files for XP got unrecoverably corrupted. We tried many things and eventually said it was unfixable, though I could still access the drive thankfully.
Needless to say, I got a new harddrive.
So this morning I spent most of it (til about and hour ago) trying to install XP onto the new hard drive. Apparently I was having some clashes with my memory and was freezing up. Still in the process of adding my previous antivirus and protection programs until just about....now.
YAY bro for helping me fix that!
Now I am up and running and am jonesing to play my game again...ahem I mean use my computer again.
Call me a dork, you know you want to!
Friday, February 25, 2005
Torture
Ok, I am doing it again. I am torturing myself by having fanciful ideas about someone.
Some of you might know who that is, most probably not.
Anyway, I am an emotional person and I have a tendency, actually it is quite a habit now, of somehow getting feelings for someone before anything happens. Sure, we talk and stuff and I think I got a look, but who knows. I am really bad about that kind of stuff.
But the problem really is that I get too ahead of myself and start thinking of possibilities of things happening. Or I imagine things happening that haven't yet, and probably won't.
Needless to say I am torturing myself again with my imaginations of the potential of dating this particular someone.
Gah, now I have two things in me. One is saying, "No it won't happen so stop torturing yourself" and the other is saying, "Say something and see what happens."
Still torn as what to do. I want to know the answer, but I also dread the answer.
Grumble, did I mention that my imagination is bad for me? :)
Some of you might know who that is, most probably not.
Anyway, I am an emotional person and I have a tendency, actually it is quite a habit now, of somehow getting feelings for someone before anything happens. Sure, we talk and stuff and I think I got a look, but who knows. I am really bad about that kind of stuff.
But the problem really is that I get too ahead of myself and start thinking of possibilities of things happening. Or I imagine things happening that haven't yet, and probably won't.
Needless to say I am torturing myself again with my imaginations of the potential of dating this particular someone.
Gah, now I have two things in me. One is saying, "No it won't happen so stop torturing yourself" and the other is saying, "Say something and see what happens."
Still torn as what to do. I want to know the answer, but I also dread the answer.
Grumble, did I mention that my imagination is bad for me? :)
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Crisis averted
Yesterday was a fun-filled hectic day of work.
We have a build coming up in the next day or so and it appeared that our new framework, which was supposed to help us for future updates and the new algorithm coming down the pipe, was totally broken.
We were supposed to give the same "answers" as the previous build and the new framework was not supposed to affect it. But is sure did.
Man, did we scramble and get frustrated because there was a lot of legacy code that we had to sift through to figure out what it was really doing.
Thankfully, after most of the day, we figured out what the issues were and got it resolved, mostly. There is still some work that needs to get done but we should be all set for that by the end of the day, barring more problems.
Anyway, I now have a new pet peeve when it comes to code...commenting. There was little to no commenting in the code and the variable naming was atrocious. Naming variables is essentially free so name it appropriately like "totalCounts" or "isFound" or something at least descriptive. "x1" and "h" just don't cut it!
Very annoying but I found a way to get through it. Not that I get stressed out, but I picked up frustration waves from my co-worker and I did my best to deal with the crisis AND to try to keep the situation calm at the same time.
Ah well, that's my excuse for not writing yesterday, plus I babysat Mo after work so was a very full day, though no stress on the second part thankfully. :)
*aims laser pointer at legacy code authors and fires indiscriminately*
We have a build coming up in the next day or so and it appeared that our new framework, which was supposed to help us for future updates and the new algorithm coming down the pipe, was totally broken.
We were supposed to give the same "answers" as the previous build and the new framework was not supposed to affect it. But is sure did.
Man, did we scramble and get frustrated because there was a lot of legacy code that we had to sift through to figure out what it was really doing.
Thankfully, after most of the day, we figured out what the issues were and got it resolved, mostly. There is still some work that needs to get done but we should be all set for that by the end of the day, barring more problems.
Anyway, I now have a new pet peeve when it comes to code...commenting. There was little to no commenting in the code and the variable naming was atrocious. Naming variables is essentially free so name it appropriately like "totalCounts" or "isFound" or something at least descriptive. "x1" and "h" just don't cut it!
Very annoying but I found a way to get through it. Not that I get stressed out, but I picked up frustration waves from my co-worker and I did my best to deal with the crisis AND to try to keep the situation calm at the same time.
Ah well, that's my excuse for not writing yesterday, plus I babysat Mo after work so was a very full day, though no stress on the second part thankfully. :)
*aims laser pointer at legacy code authors and fires indiscriminately*
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The Buzz
I don't seem to be hearing any buzz in my head any more.
Not a literal buzz like going deaf or a chainsaw nearby but the buzz of thoughts about politics, society, community etc that I have had the past few months.
Am I burned out on it? Not really, I feel fine about what I wrote and read what other people write. I just have no inspiration to write anything on those subjects. I, on occasion, am inspired to write some poetry or, like this entry, something about what is going on or what I am going through.
Not sure exactly what it means though. Should I be worried that I don't care as much for that any more?
I guess my only reason for writing this is selfish. I want to keep having entries in my blog so that people still come to read my poetry or my ideas (if they show up).
Ah well.
I am in a good spot I guess and not much anger or frustration to vent. :)
Wish me luck finding that sort of inspiration!
Oh wait no.... *damn*
Not a literal buzz like going deaf or a chainsaw nearby but the buzz of thoughts about politics, society, community etc that I have had the past few months.
Am I burned out on it? Not really, I feel fine about what I wrote and read what other people write. I just have no inspiration to write anything on those subjects. I, on occasion, am inspired to write some poetry or, like this entry, something about what is going on or what I am going through.
Not sure exactly what it means though. Should I be worried that I don't care as much for that any more?
I guess my only reason for writing this is selfish. I want to keep having entries in my blog so that people still come to read my poetry or my ideas (if they show up).
Ah well.
I am in a good spot I guess and not much anger or frustration to vent. :)
Wish me luck finding that sort of inspiration!
Oh wait no.... *damn*
Monday, February 21, 2005
Sacrifice
Sacrifice
Would I sacrifice myself
To save the human race?
Give up my life
For all others?
If some all powerful force
Were to condemn this world
And all of us
For their cause
And I
Given a choice
Could save them all
Yet not myself
What would I choose?
Would I take it on faith
That my sacrifice
Would really make a difference?
Would I choose
The Selfish
Or would I choose
Oblivion
Faith is a powerful voice
In one’s head
But can it be trusted?
Can I know
That what I give up
Would be worth it?
Is the worth of knowing
That you saved all the lives
Of your friends and family
While depriving them
Of you?
It is a hard choice
I must admit
And to really give the answer
Would be a measure
Of your worth
Your worth of life
Knowing that you condemn
All who you hold dear
To death
And to know that
You could have done
Something about it
You would die
Along with them
Or you could die
Alone
For them
For all of them
For all you care for
And many more you do not
It is this question
That I ask of myself
And it is this question
That I wonder
To the answer
Given the choice
And all that you know
And all that you feel
And all that is ugly
In this world
Would you let all humanity
Continue to suffer
Or to end your suffering
For them?
I cannot give my answer
But I know what I would do
Do you?
Would I sacrifice myself
To save the human race?
Give up my life
For all others?
If some all powerful force
Were to condemn this world
And all of us
For their cause
And I
Given a choice
Could save them all
Yet not myself
What would I choose?
Would I take it on faith
That my sacrifice
Would really make a difference?
Would I choose
The Selfish
Or would I choose
Oblivion
Faith is a powerful voice
In one’s head
But can it be trusted?
Can I know
That what I give up
Would be worth it?
Is the worth of knowing
That you saved all the lives
Of your friends and family
While depriving them
Of you?
It is a hard choice
I must admit
And to really give the answer
Would be a measure
Of your worth
Your worth of life
Knowing that you condemn
All who you hold dear
To death
And to know that
You could have done
Something about it
You would die
Along with them
Or you could die
Alone
For them
For all of them
For all you care for
And many more you do not
It is this question
That I ask of myself
And it is this question
That I wonder
To the answer
Given the choice
And all that you know
And all that you feel
And all that is ugly
In this world
Would you let all humanity
Continue to suffer
Or to end your suffering
For them?
I cannot give my answer
But I know what I would do
Do you?
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Busy again
Why is it that I always have busy weekends?
I know it is good to go out and visit friends, dance and meet cute women, but it is also nice to stay home and relax, sit in my PJs and play video games on occasion.
I just never seem to be able to do the second one very often, though I think that I will be doing that on Monday (holiday). Sunday is, of course, busy. Which is good, I get to hang out with friends and start up gaming again, which I haven't done in quite a long time.
Anyway, I am not sure what I am complaining about. I have great friends who want to hang out with me and, of course, it is good to put myself out there for someone to net me. (Still waiting :) )
Unfortunately, the thing I do worry about is that I tend to spend a good amount of money when I go out. I like to drink Magner's Cider and it goes down so easily that I don't notice until a while later that I had 3 or 4 or 5. I have a good immune system and can handle alcohol well but I am not sure I want to test it too often. :)
Needless to say, my quandary is, do I still go out, try to temper my spending, because I also buy for others too because that's the way I am, or do I not go out as often? No one is going to be knocking on my door to meet me, especially since I have a security door to the building. I also could just curb drinking altogether, but I am not really a big fan of drinking water unless I have been dancing a lot.
Where am I going with this? No idea, but I seem to be having a busy social life, which is good, but also am not finding as much time to relax. I guess I should just schedule down-time but I am not much of a scheduler. Plus the more time I am out, the less you get to enjoy my blog! *crickets chirp*
Next week will be another busy week so I am at least hoping to have a lot of the day on Monday to myself. Wish me luck! :)
I know it is good to go out and visit friends, dance and meet cute women, but it is also nice to stay home and relax, sit in my PJs and play video games on occasion.
I just never seem to be able to do the second one very often, though I think that I will be doing that on Monday (holiday). Sunday is, of course, busy. Which is good, I get to hang out with friends and start up gaming again, which I haven't done in quite a long time.
Anyway, I am not sure what I am complaining about. I have great friends who want to hang out with me and, of course, it is good to put myself out there for someone to net me. (Still waiting :) )
Unfortunately, the thing I do worry about is that I tend to spend a good amount of money when I go out. I like to drink Magner's Cider and it goes down so easily that I don't notice until a while later that I had 3 or 4 or 5. I have a good immune system and can handle alcohol well but I am not sure I want to test it too often. :)
Needless to say, my quandary is, do I still go out, try to temper my spending, because I also buy for others too because that's the way I am, or do I not go out as often? No one is going to be knocking on my door to meet me, especially since I have a security door to the building. I also could just curb drinking altogether, but I am not really a big fan of drinking water unless I have been dancing a lot.
Where am I going with this? No idea, but I seem to be having a busy social life, which is good, but also am not finding as much time to relax. I guess I should just schedule down-time but I am not much of a scheduler. Plus the more time I am out, the less you get to enjoy my blog! *crickets chirp*
Next week will be another busy week so I am at least hoping to have a lot of the day on Monday to myself. Wish me luck! :)
Friday, February 18, 2005
I'm wonderful
Ok, so I get praise a lot from my friends and most people I know that tell me I am a great guy, or that I am nice, or wonderful or any number of things.
Thanks. :)
I am a kind-hearted person, a giver, a healer, passionate, intelligent, witty, and a bunch of things I could list but would bore you. :) I smile almost all the time and have a quirky sense of humor that keeps people smiling. Sure, when it is a serious conversation I am not goofing around or smiling a lot but I do try to lighten the mood when I can.
I am also a straight talker, now, and do things for me. What gives me pleasure is the company of my friends and also learning from them and expanding my circle and community. Did I mention I like sex too? :)
So why the hell do I feel alone?
I haven't had a girlfriend in quite some time and I am not sure what the issue is. If I am all those things, and I have been told this, I should be a great catch.
Well why are there no nets in my path? Not even a fucking bobber on the surface. No hooks or flies or worms dangling for me to chomp on.
I think it is pretty unfair that this society requires that men make all the effort. I am not a mind reader, I don't know if someone likes me unless they say it or makes obvious advances (which doesn't happen often). Just tell me the truth, good or bad, and I will deal with it!
It kinda pisses me off in one sense but also, like I have said before, it is one of my "worries".
Anyway, Mr. Wonderful signing off for now. *rolls eyes*
Thanks. :)
I am a kind-hearted person, a giver, a healer, passionate, intelligent, witty, and a bunch of things I could list but would bore you. :) I smile almost all the time and have a quirky sense of humor that keeps people smiling. Sure, when it is a serious conversation I am not goofing around or smiling a lot but I do try to lighten the mood when I can.
I am also a straight talker, now, and do things for me. What gives me pleasure is the company of my friends and also learning from them and expanding my circle and community. Did I mention I like sex too? :)
So why the hell do I feel alone?
I haven't had a girlfriend in quite some time and I am not sure what the issue is. If I am all those things, and I have been told this, I should be a great catch.
Well why are there no nets in my path? Not even a fucking bobber on the surface. No hooks or flies or worms dangling for me to chomp on.
I think it is pretty unfair that this society requires that men make all the effort. I am not a mind reader, I don't know if someone likes me unless they say it or makes obvious advances (which doesn't happen often). Just tell me the truth, good or bad, and I will deal with it!
It kinda pisses me off in one sense but also, like I have said before, it is one of my "worries".
Anyway, Mr. Wonderful signing off for now. *rolls eyes*
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Change and Status Quo
Sorry for not making a post yesterday...do I really need to apologize though? *shrug*
Anyway, thanks to a very interesting article that Bon sent me, I have two things I want to talk about.
One, change is in the air. I know I have changed because I WANTED to change. It has been building for quite some time and I am glad it finally happened. I am much better for it and I am sure others can sense that in me. If not then they are dull. :)
So the important thing is that change can happen if you WILL it to happen. It is not thinking that a change will happen or should happen, it is KNOWing that it will. I find it hard to describe the difference but try to imagine with me for a moment:
Most people have hands, sorry if you do not but pick a body part, and look at it. The difference between "thinking" that you have a hand and "knowing" you have a hand is obvious. Heck you don't even think about it, it is beyond thinking, it is knowing. If you lost a limb, you still "know" that you have one. I am told it is an odd sensation, that I personally don't want to experience, but it is the knowing that counts.
Needless to say, if you want or desire a change in your life, you need to know that it will happen, not when, not where, not how, but just knowing that it is coming. In a sense, it is a sort of magic, aka not currently defined in science.
Anyway, number two is the Status Quo. The status quo at work mainly. I am basically in the same position as I was before, a little bonus and possible promotion. But either way I am comfortable with where I am. I am not in NEED of anything, though it would be nice to be able to travel more than I am but that's neither here nor there.
The thing is, I am in a great position that I did not realize yesterday when I was talking to AZ. I have cover. I have security. And I have no responsibilities beyond what I want to have. Definitely a great position. I can't expand upon that just in case the news article from a few days ago happens to happen. :)
So anyway, I am in a good spot both physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. Therefore I can continue to be laissez faire and have no worries.
Glad I was able to think through this the past day. :)
And thanks to Bon again for the assistance that shed the right amount of light on everything when I needed it. :)
(If you have a link Bon maybe put it in the comments so others can read it too, thanks :) )
Anyway, thanks to a very interesting article that Bon sent me, I have two things I want to talk about.
One, change is in the air. I know I have changed because I WANTED to change. It has been building for quite some time and I am glad it finally happened. I am much better for it and I am sure others can sense that in me. If not then they are dull. :)
So the important thing is that change can happen if you WILL it to happen. It is not thinking that a change will happen or should happen, it is KNOWing that it will. I find it hard to describe the difference but try to imagine with me for a moment:
Most people have hands, sorry if you do not but pick a body part, and look at it. The difference between "thinking" that you have a hand and "knowing" you have a hand is obvious. Heck you don't even think about it, it is beyond thinking, it is knowing. If you lost a limb, you still "know" that you have one. I am told it is an odd sensation, that I personally don't want to experience, but it is the knowing that counts.
Needless to say, if you want or desire a change in your life, you need to know that it will happen, not when, not where, not how, but just knowing that it is coming. In a sense, it is a sort of magic, aka not currently defined in science.
Anyway, number two is the Status Quo. The status quo at work mainly. I am basically in the same position as I was before, a little bonus and possible promotion. But either way I am comfortable with where I am. I am not in NEED of anything, though it would be nice to be able to travel more than I am but that's neither here nor there.
The thing is, I am in a great position that I did not realize yesterday when I was talking to AZ. I have cover. I have security. And I have no responsibilities beyond what I want to have. Definitely a great position. I can't expand upon that just in case the news article from a few days ago happens to happen. :)
So anyway, I am in a good spot both physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. Therefore I can continue to be laissez faire and have no worries.
Glad I was able to think through this the past day. :)
And thanks to Bon again for the assistance that shed the right amount of light on everything when I needed it. :)
(If you have a link Bon maybe put it in the comments so others can read it too, thanks :) )
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Apathy
So why is it that I am less caring about what is happening outside of my sphere of influence than I was a month ago? Have I changed that much? Or have I come to realize that I can't actually influence anything beyond a certain point?
I am feeling pretty apathetic to the whole world of politics and society as a whole. I think mainly it has to do with not feeling a part of it any longer. Realizing that I have been enlightened and that I choose not to get involved.
Sure, things could be better, and I dream of the day that things will be better than they are now. But do I really want to spend the effort to actually help achieve those goals? Or should I spend my time working on my community and the people I care about and forget the rest until they get their act together?
That could be a long wait!
I suppose I should just lead by example. Choose to not participate for the "greater good" but the betterment of my own and myself. If enough people can do that for their own little community, then things will have to get better, right?
Or am I so naive to believe that people will do the right thing when given the opportunity? Or are people so ignorant that they won't even try because it is too "hard" or they are too "lazy".
Anyway, I guess I don't really care what they do after all. It gives me no pleasure to see people suffer but I would have to sacrifice a lot to ease their suffering when the root of the problems in this world will just keep the boot to them after I have expended all my energy. Fix the root of the problem and things will get better. Except of course that the root of the problem is so totally entrenched in our current society that it will take a huge upheaval to change the way things are.
Ah well, I will fight the good fight, but for only those who I care about, until something changes.
I am feeling pretty apathetic to the whole world of politics and society as a whole. I think mainly it has to do with not feeling a part of it any longer. Realizing that I have been enlightened and that I choose not to get involved.
Sure, things could be better, and I dream of the day that things will be better than they are now. But do I really want to spend the effort to actually help achieve those goals? Or should I spend my time working on my community and the people I care about and forget the rest until they get their act together?
That could be a long wait!
I suppose I should just lead by example. Choose to not participate for the "greater good" but the betterment of my own and myself. If enough people can do that for their own little community, then things will have to get better, right?
Or am I so naive to believe that people will do the right thing when given the opportunity? Or are people so ignorant that they won't even try because it is too "hard" or they are too "lazy".
Anyway, I guess I don't really care what they do after all. It gives me no pleasure to see people suffer but I would have to sacrifice a lot to ease their suffering when the root of the problems in this world will just keep the boot to them after I have expended all my energy. Fix the root of the problem and things will get better. Except of course that the root of the problem is so totally entrenched in our current society that it will take a huge upheaval to change the way things are.
Ah well, I will fight the good fight, but for only those who I care about, until something changes.
Monday, February 14, 2005
I am
I am
I am the creep
That crawls up your spine
I am the darkness that shines
On a moonless night
I am the haunt you see
From the corner of your eye
I am the darkness
I am the vampire
I am the dark essence
I am the shiver
On a warm, windless day
I am the fear
That exhilarates
I am the breath
On the back of your neck
I am the ghoul
I am the vampire
I am the longing
I am the evil
That courses through your veins
I am the heart
That you hate to love
I am the final
That all will soon embrace
I am the dark soul
I am the vampire
I am your forbidden love
I am the creep
That crawls up your spine
I am the darkness that shines
On a moonless night
I am the haunt you see
From the corner of your eye
I am the darkness
I am the vampire
I am the dark essence
I am the shiver
On a warm, windless day
I am the fear
That exhilarates
I am the breath
On the back of your neck
I am the ghoul
I am the vampire
I am the longing
I am the evil
That courses through your veins
I am the heart
That you hate to love
I am the final
That all will soon embrace
I am the dark soul
I am the vampire
I am your forbidden love
No worries
It's an Aussie saying I picked up from my old IRC chatting days way back a decade ago or so.
And it really summarizes how I feel about things. I basically don't worry about anything. Situations have a way of working themselves out, whether social or work or whatever. Basically I don't stress out about most everything.
As you may know from my previous blog posts that there is one thing I do stress out about, but I am working on it. I stress about women and dating.
Now, I get along well with women in general, more so then men actually, and I am a good friend. "Safe" is the word most likely. Anyway, the stress comes when I start thinking about dating or asking for a date with one of the women I know. I worry about what they will say, what stupid things I might say (above and beyond normal) and if by asking, I will ruin the friendship we have. Basically anything to do with changing from friend to something more.
Anyway, it is something I have been working on recently. For the most part, I shouldn't have to worry about how things will change. The people I am friend's with usually understand. And if they don't, then they really aren't friends now are they? As far as saying stupid things, I do that anyway, it's how I am. :)
The problem I see is that I sorta change. I change from the easy going, devil-may-care attitude that I usually have into someone who tries to say the right thing or tries to impress or any number of things.
I guess I have just been thinking about me and potential relationships because of Valentine's Day. And just an FYI, I have never had a Valentine. Well maybe the twins in 3rd grade count but it has been a while since then. :)
So, I guess I just have to work on my stress response when it comes to dating, and I should be fine. Just a matter of doing it rather than thinking about it.
No worries. :)
And it really summarizes how I feel about things. I basically don't worry about anything. Situations have a way of working themselves out, whether social or work or whatever. Basically I don't stress out about most everything.
As you may know from my previous blog posts that there is one thing I do stress out about, but I am working on it. I stress about women and dating.
Now, I get along well with women in general, more so then men actually, and I am a good friend. "Safe" is the word most likely. Anyway, the stress comes when I start thinking about dating or asking for a date with one of the women I know. I worry about what they will say, what stupid things I might say (above and beyond normal) and if by asking, I will ruin the friendship we have. Basically anything to do with changing from friend to something more.
Anyway, it is something I have been working on recently. For the most part, I shouldn't have to worry about how things will change. The people I am friend's with usually understand. And if they don't, then they really aren't friends now are they? As far as saying stupid things, I do that anyway, it's how I am. :)
The problem I see is that I sorta change. I change from the easy going, devil-may-care attitude that I usually have into someone who tries to say the right thing or tries to impress or any number of things.
I guess I have just been thinking about me and potential relationships because of Valentine's Day. And just an FYI, I have never had a Valentine. Well maybe the twins in 3rd grade count but it has been a while since then. :)
So, I guess I just have to work on my stress response when it comes to dating, and I should be fine. Just a matter of doing it rather than thinking about it.
No worries. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Sleepy Weekend
So I spent most of this weekend asleep. I figured I spent about 27 hours or so sleeping. Why?
Mainly on Friday/Saturday it was my first full night sleep without waking up in the middle of the night coughing or being full of phlegm. Ah pleasant thoughts...
I slept 11 1/2 hours that night sleeping and I woke up quite rested. It felt good to be able to just rest. I also had some interesting dreams, some disturbing, something about trying to tell DeHuman8 that the Dresden Dolls had died in a train wreck (that I was just in). Weird I know. I don't often have lucid dreams but have been trying recently.
Anyway, so I went out dancing and saw some friends that I like to see, DeHuman8 and mgb among them. I also spent a few ours after the club talking to DH8 about the nature of light and gravity, some interesting thoughts, but that's for another time when I have done more research. :)
So I slept another 10 hours last night, straight through yay, with not so many dreams that I remember. Needless to say I was quite rested after that too.
I had a lazy day today, nothing special, though I did start reading AZ's book (which I officially got on Friday in book form). After a few hours I thought I would set it down for a bit and take a nap. I slept another 5 hours in nap form, waking every hour or so and turning over. :)
Is it a bad thing to sleep so much? It feels almost as if I wasted the whole weekend on nothing. Though I did get to see some folks, I really didn't get anything accomplished, not that I really NEED to get anything accomplished after all.
Anyway, I have been awake for an hour since my nap, and now I should go to bed so I can get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow for work. YAY more sleep!
I guess I am just making up for lack of it all week.
Mainly on Friday/Saturday it was my first full night sleep without waking up in the middle of the night coughing or being full of phlegm. Ah pleasant thoughts...
I slept 11 1/2 hours that night sleeping and I woke up quite rested. It felt good to be able to just rest. I also had some interesting dreams, some disturbing, something about trying to tell DeHuman8 that the Dresden Dolls had died in a train wreck (that I was just in). Weird I know. I don't often have lucid dreams but have been trying recently.
Anyway, so I went out dancing and saw some friends that I like to see, DeHuman8 and mgb among them. I also spent a few ours after the club talking to DH8 about the nature of light and gravity, some interesting thoughts, but that's for another time when I have done more research. :)
So I slept another 10 hours last night, straight through yay, with not so many dreams that I remember. Needless to say I was quite rested after that too.
I had a lazy day today, nothing special, though I did start reading AZ's book (which I officially got on Friday in book form). After a few hours I thought I would set it down for a bit and take a nap. I slept another 5 hours in nap form, waking every hour or so and turning over. :)
Is it a bad thing to sleep so much? It feels almost as if I wasted the whole weekend on nothing. Though I did get to see some folks, I really didn't get anything accomplished, not that I really NEED to get anything accomplished after all.
Anyway, I have been awake for an hour since my nap, and now I should go to bed so I can get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow for work. YAY more sleep!
I guess I am just making up for lack of it all week.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Bloggers Beware
I got this from Bon:
Free Expression Can Be Costly When Bloggers Bad-Mouth Jobs
That really irritates me. I should be able to blog whatever I want to blog without repercussions damn it.
And I will! :)
Free Expression Can Be Costly When Bloggers Bad-Mouth Jobs
That really irritates me. I should be able to blog whatever I want to blog without repercussions damn it.
And I will! :)
Friday, February 11, 2005
Work
Yeah, I know, I never talk about work much. Hopefully things are going to go my way, but the way the corporate world works, I highly doubt it.
So I got a lot done in my short week (remember the damn cold thing?). I finished 2 projects and am ready to get it all put together at the beginning of next week. I took over the maintenance of an internal analysis tool since my coworker decided to move over to system integration. Probably got tired of the constant hallway meetings and visits to the cube.
Anyway, we have a new release coming up with a new algorithm framework, which I also worked on and had to update for the new scripts, and so I had to update the tool and integrate both of them. I love days like today because it flew like no tomorrow.
I really do enjoy programming when it is a language I am very familiar with, in this case it was VB and MATLAB while touching a bit in C++, but just a bit. Anyway, it is fun to work on a team with intelligent people, then again management always likes to meddle so we'll see what happens next week...
So anyway, I'm trying to negotiate a promotion (it has been 3 years) since I am already doing the job of the next level anyways. Just getting money out of the tight labor bosses is another story altogether. Wish me luck. :)
Hopefully they don't realize how much I hate corporations and I am only loyal as far as they pay me, which is sad really, because I would love to work on things that can really help people rather then just pets of rich people.
Ok, off to jam, wish me luck with that too! :)
So I got a lot done in my short week (remember the damn cold thing?). I finished 2 projects and am ready to get it all put together at the beginning of next week. I took over the maintenance of an internal analysis tool since my coworker decided to move over to system integration. Probably got tired of the constant hallway meetings and visits to the cube.
Anyway, we have a new release coming up with a new algorithm framework, which I also worked on and had to update for the new scripts, and so I had to update the tool and integrate both of them. I love days like today because it flew like no tomorrow.
I really do enjoy programming when it is a language I am very familiar with, in this case it was VB and MATLAB while touching a bit in C++, but just a bit. Anyway, it is fun to work on a team with intelligent people, then again management always likes to meddle so we'll see what happens next week...
So anyway, I'm trying to negotiate a promotion (it has been 3 years) since I am already doing the job of the next level anyways. Just getting money out of the tight labor bosses is another story altogether. Wish me luck. :)
Hopefully they don't realize how much I hate corporations and I am only loyal as far as they pay me, which is sad really, because I would love to work on things that can really help people rather then just pets of rich people.
Ok, off to jam, wish me luck with that too! :)
Move
I wrote this last night when out at the club, even though it was pretty dead because of the parking ban and the wonderful snowy weather. (sarcasm)
Move
Alternating lights
And the beat spins
As I do
Heat takes over
As I let myself go
Beyond thinking
Only one with the others
Pulsating with every thrust
Only hair and skin and move
Taking over now
The lights move
As I do
And we spin
As the music goes
Together yet apart
All one beast of flesh
Undulating to our own soul
Until the pause
And then the lights go out
And our thoughts are our own
Once again
Praise to the beast in the music
Move
Alternating lights
And the beat spins
As I do
Heat takes over
As I let myself go
Beyond thinking
Only one with the others
Pulsating with every thrust
Only hair and skin and move
Taking over now
The lights move
As I do
And we spin
As the music goes
Together yet apart
All one beast of flesh
Undulating to our own soul
Until the pause
And then the lights go out
And our thoughts are our own
Once again
Praise to the beast in the music
Thursday, February 10, 2005
The Truth
So I have been listening to Randi Rhodes today, she is fun to listen to and has a good idea about what's going on in the world.
What came to mind is the truth. The real truth may never be known but at least personal truth can be given. And it irks me (actually angers me) about how this administration lies all the time and misrepresents the truth. Anyway, that's a different topic altogether from where I wanted to go.
What I want from people is the truth. Sure, the truth hurts, who cares? I am strong enough to take it. So tell me damn it. I can't learn or better myself if you don't tell me the truth. Tell me I look fat, I am working on it. Tell me my hair looks like a bad 70's Starsky and Hutch episode. Tell me you don't want to go out with me because I scare you (tie in from another post :) ). Tell me that you love me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me I am acting stupid or my idea sucks. Just tell me.
I want to know these things so I can change or better myself or tell you to fuck off cause I am really right and you aren't. I can't stand being in the dark about things. I know this about myself because I am poor often times of reading people's minds, or reading subtle hints and body language. I know this because I try to hear the truth that you are saying. And in this way, if you really tell me the truth, I can understand what your body language really means. Until then I can't really learn it can I?
I am a visual learner when accompanied with the verbal. That way I have two types of input to correlate to what is being given. I also learn by writing but that doesn't help much in social situations. :) Unless of course you are deaf or mute. :)
Anyway, I don't expect much from this confession. I know what I want but, obviously, don't always get what I want. But, I want to learn; I love to learn. I want to figure it out. I know it is a problem and I am a problem-solver, at least for myself. I am very in-touch with my feelings and the feelings of others but that subtle non-verbal crap (not associated with feelings) is hard for me.
So be kind, rewind.
Err...that's not exactly what I mean. :)
[Edit: oops wrong link adress, corrected now 6:30pm]
What came to mind is the truth. The real truth may never be known but at least personal truth can be given. And it irks me (actually angers me) about how this administration lies all the time and misrepresents the truth. Anyway, that's a different topic altogether from where I wanted to go.
What I want from people is the truth. Sure, the truth hurts, who cares? I am strong enough to take it. So tell me damn it. I can't learn or better myself if you don't tell me the truth. Tell me I look fat, I am working on it. Tell me my hair looks like a bad 70's Starsky and Hutch episode. Tell me you don't want to go out with me because I scare you (tie in from another post :) ). Tell me that you love me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me I am acting stupid or my idea sucks. Just tell me.
I want to know these things so I can change or better myself or tell you to fuck off cause I am really right and you aren't. I can't stand being in the dark about things. I know this about myself because I am poor often times of reading people's minds, or reading subtle hints and body language. I know this because I try to hear the truth that you are saying. And in this way, if you really tell me the truth, I can understand what your body language really means. Until then I can't really learn it can I?
I am a visual learner when accompanied with the verbal. That way I have two types of input to correlate to what is being given. I also learn by writing but that doesn't help much in social situations. :) Unless of course you are deaf or mute. :)
Anyway, I don't expect much from this confession. I know what I want but, obviously, don't always get what I want. But, I want to learn; I love to learn. I want to figure it out. I know it is a problem and I am a problem-solver, at least for myself. I am very in-touch with my feelings and the feelings of others but that subtle non-verbal crap (not associated with feelings) is hard for me.
So be kind, rewind.
Err...that's not exactly what I mean. :)
[Edit: oops wrong link adress, corrected now 6:30pm]
Severe Weather Alert!
WARNING. There will be a huge blizzard coming to your area. 18 to 25 inches will fall today, so make sure to be prepared!
Oh no, the sky is falling! You will be completely buried. The governor is ready to call a state of emergency for your area so be prepared!
Fizzle.
In this time of fear in our country, the over-reactionary news outlets take every opportunity to keep that fear going, even if it is a natural event. Such extreme predictions about what is coming keeps most sheeple ready to go to the grocery store and take everything off the shelves. Does that technically mean more purchasing power?
In any event, I fell for it. I did check the weather maps and radar and tried to keep up on predictions. Obviously things changed while I slept. Now it is down to some rain and a few inches of snow, with sleet mixed in.
It pisses me off that I was so gullible, even with research, then the old bait and switch happened over night, after all the shopping centers closed of course. Go fig.
I guess I was hoping to have a day off. :)
Oh no, the sky is falling! You will be completely buried. The governor is ready to call a state of emergency for your area so be prepared!
Fizzle.
In this time of fear in our country, the over-reactionary news outlets take every opportunity to keep that fear going, even if it is a natural event. Such extreme predictions about what is coming keeps most sheeple ready to go to the grocery store and take everything off the shelves. Does that technically mean more purchasing power?
In any event, I fell for it. I did check the weather maps and radar and tried to keep up on predictions. Obviously things changed while I slept. Now it is down to some rain and a few inches of snow, with sleet mixed in.
It pisses me off that I was so gullible, even with research, then the old bait and switch happened over night, after all the shopping centers closed of course. Go fig.
I guess I was hoping to have a day off. :)
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Myopic Me
Myopic Me
I only see
As far as I see
Only as far
As my needs take me
Or my wants
Guide me
The future
If too far away
Is as hazy
As is the fog
In the morning
After the storm
Yet I try
To see beyond
That which I need
Or that which I want
Because if I choose
Not to see
What I need to see
I will stay where I am
Near-sighted
And wanting for more
Myopic me
Poor sighted
And vain
In my lack of vision
Or perhaps
Too naïve
To believe
Seeing more
Will make me better
Will make me more.
Will make me more
Than the shallow-sighted
Near-thoughted
Fop that I am.
I only see
As far as I see
Only as far
As my needs take me
Or my wants
Guide me
The future
If too far away
Is as hazy
As is the fog
In the morning
After the storm
Yet I try
To see beyond
That which I need
Or that which I want
Because if I choose
Not to see
What I need to see
I will stay where I am
Near-sighted
And wanting for more
Myopic me
Poor sighted
And vain
In my lack of vision
Or perhaps
Too naïve
To believe
Seeing more
Will make me better
Will make me more.
Will make me more
Than the shallow-sighted
Near-thoughted
Fop that I am.
Rationalization
So I have been thinking about the past few weeks of my experience with women in that time frame and the "real" reason that I am still single.
I have come to this rationalization that why women will not take a chance with me as a dating partner is fear. Not that I am scary, or scary looking for the most part, but that I am a sharing, open, intelligent, thoughtful and creative person.
The fear is that perhaps my expectations would be so high that they are not worthy of my attention. Or that because it appears I am saying the right things, what if I am actually a manipulative bastard trying to take advantage of them. Or that I have thoughts and ideas so beyond their understanding that I am actually quite boring and fear I can never converse on "their" level.
What I have noticed a lot, is that most women I have tried to court say they are not ready for a relationship. Within a week or two, they are in a relationship. Go fig. Just not with me. :)
Anyway, I have two choices in the matter. I can keep plugging away and hope someone can see past their fear and give me a chance, hence my need for rationalization. Or, I could accept that I really am a pathetic, undateable loser, aka just a friend, and suffer my miserable life alone.
I guess being optimistic can have it's advantages. :)
I have come to this rationalization that why women will not take a chance with me as a dating partner is fear. Not that I am scary, or scary looking for the most part, but that I am a sharing, open, intelligent, thoughtful and creative person.
The fear is that perhaps my expectations would be so high that they are not worthy of my attention. Or that because it appears I am saying the right things, what if I am actually a manipulative bastard trying to take advantage of them. Or that I have thoughts and ideas so beyond their understanding that I am actually quite boring and fear I can never converse on "their" level.
What I have noticed a lot, is that most women I have tried to court say they are not ready for a relationship. Within a week or two, they are in a relationship. Go fig. Just not with me. :)
Anyway, I have two choices in the matter. I can keep plugging away and hope someone can see past their fear and give me a chance, hence my need for rationalization. Or, I could accept that I really am a pathetic, undateable loser, aka just a friend, and suffer my miserable life alone.
I guess being optimistic can have it's advantages. :)
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Be Afraid
So I was listening to Thom Hartman today and got a link to a site that has disturbed me since I started reading it.
http://www.theocracywatch.org
Anyway, apparently this spiritual war is raging and we have been WAY too complacent against it. Onward extremist Christian dominionist soldiers!
Now this isn't about Christians or about Republicans. It is about the radical extremists who have taken over the Congress and the Presidency of this country. And it will not stop unless we do something about it.
At what point do you actual do something about this? At what point does the representation of our government officials no longer becomes representative? I think it has already happened.
Will it get worse before it gets better? I am worried that the first part will be true. The second part may not happen before they destroy us for their blessed rapture.
Will changing the political landscape help? I think it may be too late for that already. With the pathetic attempt at this in November by Kerry and his not fighting when things were really not on the up-and-up, the presidency was lost. Or should I say, continued to be lost.
So what is it going to take?
Which side are you on?
http://www.theocracywatch.org
Anyway, apparently this spiritual war is raging and we have been WAY too complacent against it. Onward extremist Christian dominionist soldiers!
Now this isn't about Christians or about Republicans. It is about the radical extremists who have taken over the Congress and the Presidency of this country. And it will not stop unless we do something about it.
At what point do you actual do something about this? At what point does the representation of our government officials no longer becomes representative? I think it has already happened.
Will it get worse before it gets better? I am worried that the first part will be true. The second part may not happen before they destroy us for their blessed rapture.
Will changing the political landscape help? I think it may be too late for that already. With the pathetic attempt at this in November by Kerry and his not fighting when things were really not on the up-and-up, the presidency was lost. Or should I say, continued to be lost.
So what is it going to take?
Which side are you on?
The Last Apple
(Things you think about when you can't fall asleep cause you are coughing too much :/ )
The Last Apple
Here I am
Atop the highest bough of this tree
The last apple.
I am the last
Since all my friends and family
Have been eaten
Or picked
Or knocked to the ground.
Yet here I am,
The last apple.
Looking from high above
At all that came before.
Protected from the birds
Who would choose to devour me
Protected from those below
Who would want to pick me
Or perhaps, don’t even see me
Or think I am too far away for the effort.
And here I will stay
Alone atop the tree.
Perhaps I will stay a while
Before I fall
And rot
Rot from the inside
And over-ripen.
My time will pass
Before those who would pick me
Have moved to other orchards.
I will stay high above
Untouched
Untouchable?
Until my skin can no longer contain
The rot from my within.
Until I am nothing but a shriveled
Resemblance of my former self.
And then I will fall
I will fall hitting every ugly branch along the way.
As I fall
I will remember the time I was alone
And wonder why.
Being such a wonderful apple
Why that I was alone.
And when I finally meet my fate
At the base of my tree
I will know
My final feeling
And explode my rot
For the next season of apples.
The Last Apple
Here I am
Atop the highest bough of this tree
The last apple.
I am the last
Since all my friends and family
Have been eaten
Or picked
Or knocked to the ground.
Yet here I am,
The last apple.
Looking from high above
At all that came before.
Protected from the birds
Who would choose to devour me
Protected from those below
Who would want to pick me
Or perhaps, don’t even see me
Or think I am too far away for the effort.
And here I will stay
Alone atop the tree.
Perhaps I will stay a while
Before I fall
And rot
Rot from the inside
And over-ripen.
My time will pass
Before those who would pick me
Have moved to other orchards.
I will stay high above
Untouched
Untouchable?
Until my skin can no longer contain
The rot from my within.
Until I am nothing but a shriveled
Resemblance of my former self.
And then I will fall
I will fall hitting every ugly branch along the way.
As I fall
I will remember the time I was alone
And wonder why.
Being such a wonderful apple
Why that I was alone.
And when I finally meet my fate
At the base of my tree
I will know
My final feeling
And explode my rot
For the next season of apples.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Ick
You know what I really hate? Being sick.
It sucks ass like no tomorrow.
I called out of work today and have been sleeping most of it. It so sucks having to wake up every 2 hours or so with your face melting off, or more actually, phlegm dripping!
Gah, not a pleasant sight or a pleasant experience, I must say.
And the sad thing is, I rarely get sick, but I have been sick a lot this winter and I don't know why. Maybe I have a horrible disease that I am not aware of and it is killing me slowly. There is always a bright side though, I wouldn't be sick as much if I died. *rolls eyes*
And I take for granted the times when I am not sick. When I am able to fall asleep whenever I like and not have to cough uncontrollably or can't breath through my nose. I should appreciate the non-sick times I suppose, but since they are way more common than not, then it likely is not going to happen.
I just hope I can fall asleep reasonably tonight and get up and be all better. Wishful thinking but I tend to do that. :/
Anyway, hope I feel better!
It sucks ass like no tomorrow.
I called out of work today and have been sleeping most of it. It so sucks having to wake up every 2 hours or so with your face melting off, or more actually, phlegm dripping!
Gah, not a pleasant sight or a pleasant experience, I must say.
And the sad thing is, I rarely get sick, but I have been sick a lot this winter and I don't know why. Maybe I have a horrible disease that I am not aware of and it is killing me slowly. There is always a bright side though, I wouldn't be sick as much if I died. *rolls eyes*
And I take for granted the times when I am not sick. When I am able to fall asleep whenever I like and not have to cough uncontrollably or can't breath through my nose. I should appreciate the non-sick times I suppose, but since they are way more common than not, then it likely is not going to happen.
I just hope I can fall asleep reasonably tonight and get up and be all better. Wishful thinking but I tend to do that. :/
Anyway, hope I feel better!
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Busy Busy
It is good to have stuff to do. And today I am excited about doing it. :)
Unfortunately everything I want to do is not going to be able to be done. :/
I have 2 things going on that I would love to split myself and do at the same time but will be impossible (obviously). Luckily the VCR is a wonderful invention.
So, today is Super Bowl Sunday, and my team is playing in it, yay! Though I haven't been getting into football as much this year as previous ones. I have been expanding my social circle and like to do things with them as well as my "old" friends.
The "old" friends are football fans, well sports in general, which is great because I like to play sports and be active. I also enjoy hanging with them and I go on vacation every year with most of them. Fun fun. :)
I also enjoy my new friends too. They enjoy music and dancing and "clubbing" as it were. Plus they pique my intellectual interests in many ways as well.
So tonight is the Dresden Dolls show as well (at about the same time as the Super Bowl) and I will be in attendance. I am excited about seeing them for the first time in a very small, intimate atmosphere (not a megastadium with you and 10k other people). More like 300.
Anyway, so I plan on taping the game and I hope that I can watch it without knowing the outcome (I hate that when I tape games). But I fear that, since I live in-town, if the Patriots win then there will be a lot of cars honking and street mobs etc. But I guess I will take my chances.
Anyway, would be fun to be able to split myself and enjoy both with all my friends but I guess that's unreasonable....or is it? I think I need to invent the ability... :)
Unfortunately everything I want to do is not going to be able to be done. :/
I have 2 things going on that I would love to split myself and do at the same time but will be impossible (obviously). Luckily the VCR is a wonderful invention.
So, today is Super Bowl Sunday, and my team is playing in it, yay! Though I haven't been getting into football as much this year as previous ones. I have been expanding my social circle and like to do things with them as well as my "old" friends.
The "old" friends are football fans, well sports in general, which is great because I like to play sports and be active. I also enjoy hanging with them and I go on vacation every year with most of them. Fun fun. :)
I also enjoy my new friends too. They enjoy music and dancing and "clubbing" as it were. Plus they pique my intellectual interests in many ways as well.
So tonight is the Dresden Dolls show as well (at about the same time as the Super Bowl) and I will be in attendance. I am excited about seeing them for the first time in a very small, intimate atmosphere (not a megastadium with you and 10k other people). More like 300.
Anyway, so I plan on taping the game and I hope that I can watch it without knowing the outcome (I hate that when I tape games). But I fear that, since I live in-town, if the Patriots win then there will be a lot of cars honking and street mobs etc. But I guess I will take my chances.
Anyway, would be fun to be able to split myself and enjoy both with all my friends but I guess that's unreasonable....or is it? I think I need to invent the ability... :)
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Boredom
I am not technically bored, I am here after all. :)
What I really mean to say is that I find it frustrating sometimes figuring out something to do with myself. I like to do so many things, most of the time by myself, but often times I enjoy company when I do things. I was in a bit of a funk last night.
I played some music (which you may have read in the last post) and I taped some TV shows that I enjoy on SciFi while playing. It allowed me to do 2 things at once. I eventually got too cramped to keep playing so I watched my video after the fact and stayed up a while.
When the shows were over I was trying to figure out something to do. And I could think of nothing. I wanted to play some more but my hand still ached. I was going to play some mindless game online like Zuma or something to pass the time.
But then I thought, why the hell do I have to pass the time? What was I waiting for? Was I expecting something to happen at 1am in the morning? Not really. Was I waiting for me to get tired enough to go to sleep? Well, I never have had a problem sleeping whenever I want (except occasional bouts of insomnia).
So what exactly was it? I think perhaps it really was boredom or at least a lack of imagination to find something to do. I suppose I could have read. Or watch more TV (blech most of the time). I have a bunch of DVDs I could have watched too but nah.
So the real description, in my mind, of boredom is a lack of imagination. Bored people are not creative enough to figure out something to do. And apparently I had that last night. Most of the time I can find plenty of things to do but I guess I was, as I said, in a funk.
Ah well. So what I ended up doing is going to bed and, damn it, I got a cough back from last weekend's cold. Ick. Hopefully it is one of those clear-the-shit-out-of-your-lungs type of cough and doesn't linger much longer.
Anyway, I have things to do! No boredom today. :)
What I really mean to say is that I find it frustrating sometimes figuring out something to do with myself. I like to do so many things, most of the time by myself, but often times I enjoy company when I do things. I was in a bit of a funk last night.
I played some music (which you may have read in the last post) and I taped some TV shows that I enjoy on SciFi while playing. It allowed me to do 2 things at once. I eventually got too cramped to keep playing so I watched my video after the fact and stayed up a while.
When the shows were over I was trying to figure out something to do. And I could think of nothing. I wanted to play some more but my hand still ached. I was going to play some mindless game online like Zuma or something to pass the time.
But then I thought, why the hell do I have to pass the time? What was I waiting for? Was I expecting something to happen at 1am in the morning? Not really. Was I waiting for me to get tired enough to go to sleep? Well, I never have had a problem sleeping whenever I want (except occasional bouts of insomnia).
So what exactly was it? I think perhaps it really was boredom or at least a lack of imagination to find something to do. I suppose I could have read. Or watch more TV (blech most of the time). I have a bunch of DVDs I could have watched too but nah.
So the real description, in my mind, of boredom is a lack of imagination. Bored people are not creative enough to figure out something to do. And apparently I had that last night. Most of the time I can find plenty of things to do but I guess I was, as I said, in a funk.
Ah well. So what I ended up doing is going to bed and, damn it, I got a cough back from last weekend's cold. Ick. Hopefully it is one of those clear-the-shit-out-of-your-lungs type of cough and doesn't linger much longer.
Anyway, I have things to do! No boredom today. :)
Friday, February 04, 2005
Dresden Dolls and Playing Piano
So I am very excited about seeing the Dresden Dolls Sunday.
I have been listening to them a lot the past week and I have enjoyed all of it! :)
The great thing about it is that I am now finally getting my ear for music back and I am enjoying her playing style.
The other thing that I am doing is trying to picture in my head the keys and chords that she is playing on the piano. Then, when I am home, I turn on my keyboard and start trying to play some of the songs.
I have just been playing "Missed Me" and I am excited to say I don't sound half bad. Still trying to get my fingers to do the things I want them to do, but I now know where they are supposed to be, it's just getting them to do exactly as I want is still in need of practice.
I have all the chords that she does in the song and I can make the keyboard sound like the song. Still not so good on the timing yet but, hey, it is still only been a week since I picked the keyboard back up.
Anyway, as I am typing this I am trying not to play the letters in a chord! :)
I can't wait to see them and watch her play and imagine myself playing at the same time while enjoying the show.
And I also can't wait to keep practicing and getting better with every session, cept the whole hand cramping I am trying to get over from slamming the keys. :)
Ah well, so I am a little rambly right now but I am excited about my playing and the upcoming show. :)
I have been listening to them a lot the past week and I have enjoyed all of it! :)
The great thing about it is that I am now finally getting my ear for music back and I am enjoying her playing style.
The other thing that I am doing is trying to picture in my head the keys and chords that she is playing on the piano. Then, when I am home, I turn on my keyboard and start trying to play some of the songs.
I have just been playing "Missed Me" and I am excited to say I don't sound half bad. Still trying to get my fingers to do the things I want them to do, but I now know where they are supposed to be, it's just getting them to do exactly as I want is still in need of practice.
I have all the chords that she does in the song and I can make the keyboard sound like the song. Still not so good on the timing yet but, hey, it is still only been a week since I picked the keyboard back up.
Anyway, as I am typing this I am trying not to play the letters in a chord! :)
I can't wait to see them and watch her play and imagine myself playing at the same time while enjoying the show.
And I also can't wait to keep practicing and getting better with every session, cept the whole hand cramping I am trying to get over from slamming the keys. :)
Ah well, so I am a little rambly right now but I am excited about my playing and the upcoming show. :)
Children
I have always thought about having kids with the right woman. I think the hard part so far is finding the right woman, but that's another thing entirely.
I am great with kids. I can let myself think on their level and be free and imaginative while also maintaining the need for restraint, discipline and protection if necessary. It kinda goes hand in hand with my dual nature. I use my logic to make sure things don't get out of hand or are too dangerous while also being able to be imaginative and play in a day-dream like state because kids tend to think that way.
Anyway, I want kids, but I also realize that the responsibility of another human being would potentially be a huge burden on me. I am generally an unregimented person and so I tend to do things on a whim and a prayer, which does not lend itself to a stable environment very often. And kids generally, as far as I can tell, need some measure of a schedule, like sleeping and eating and all that.
I bring this up mainly because I have a few friends with children and with children on the way. I have watched as they have grown up, from the outside, and have helped when needed on occasion.
So the thing is, would I really be that great of a father? I suppose I can be, but would take tons of effort. Am I ready? I guess you never really know until you do it, but I do know I am a lot more ready now then in the past few years. But there is a lot of hardship and heartache that can be associated with child-rearing.
How would I react the first time my child said they hated me? And what about diapers? I get queasy thinking about bodily expulsions from myself, let alone anyone else.
Then again, what would it be like to give unconditional love and to be loved? Knowing everything they do is new to them and be able to experience it all over again for yourself through their eyes?
I guess it is really moot until I find someone that has love for me and that I love. I am a romantic at heart so the whole full sharing thing I can do with my lover as well as with my children.
Ah well, maybe it might not be a good idea to bring a delicate young being into this world of darkness. Then again, I am a protector, white knight kinda guy so it might be just the mission I need to have.
I am great with kids. I can let myself think on their level and be free and imaginative while also maintaining the need for restraint, discipline and protection if necessary. It kinda goes hand in hand with my dual nature. I use my logic to make sure things don't get out of hand or are too dangerous while also being able to be imaginative and play in a day-dream like state because kids tend to think that way.
Anyway, I want kids, but I also realize that the responsibility of another human being would potentially be a huge burden on me. I am generally an unregimented person and so I tend to do things on a whim and a prayer, which does not lend itself to a stable environment very often. And kids generally, as far as I can tell, need some measure of a schedule, like sleeping and eating and all that.
I bring this up mainly because I have a few friends with children and with children on the way. I have watched as they have grown up, from the outside, and have helped when needed on occasion.
So the thing is, would I really be that great of a father? I suppose I can be, but would take tons of effort. Am I ready? I guess you never really know until you do it, but I do know I am a lot more ready now then in the past few years. But there is a lot of hardship and heartache that can be associated with child-rearing.
How would I react the first time my child said they hated me? And what about diapers? I get queasy thinking about bodily expulsions from myself, let alone anyone else.
Then again, what would it be like to give unconditional love and to be loved? Knowing everything they do is new to them and be able to experience it all over again for yourself through their eyes?
I guess it is really moot until I find someone that has love for me and that I love. I am a romantic at heart so the whole full sharing thing I can do with my lover as well as with my children.
Ah well, maybe it might not be a good idea to bring a delicate young being into this world of darkness. Then again, I am a protector, white knight kinda guy so it might be just the mission I need to have.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Chatter
I am so fucking sick of hearing mindless chatter between people. I especially hate it when they try to involve me in it.
I go out on smoke breaks at work and we have a bus stop for the smokers. Yes, it really is a bus stop, but it is up next to the building (which is about 100 yards from the main road). It has a wooden bench and stained plastic windows with a metal frame, which is good when it rains or snows but forces people closer together.
All they do is talk about useless, mindless shit that I could give a crap about: Nascar or golf or gardening or home repair or cars (God I hate talking about cars) or the weather or the snow or the cold or the heat or their kids or their wife or their husband or their family in general or the news or pathetic TV shows or even worse, about work.
I go outside half to fulfill my smoking habits and half to turn my brain off for a little bit from sitting in front of the computer all day programming. It allows me to rest my eyes away from the screen and try to enjoy a few moments not thinking about anything. But inevitably some fucking moron decides that, hey, he is too quiet, let's strike up a conversation! Gah, all I want to do is smoke and stop thinking. My brain goes fast enough as it is, let alone trying to think of some useless shit to talk about. I have more important things to think about if I was in the mood to think.
Anyway, I just came back from a break and it hit me at how much people talk about useless shit for either the sake of hearing their own voices so they don't have to think or just to try to "connect" with someone else because their life is such a pathetic waste of existence.
Granted, sometimes there is an intelligent conversation about science or music or even football if it is that time of year, which I enjoy but less so now. And I even sometimes listen and throw in an idea or two to give my view on things. Not that I really care about their point of view but maybe, just maybe, I can increase the IQ of some of the people here. Lost cause I know but worth a try once in a while.
Sounds very elitist of me doesn't it? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. And endless babble is NOT the best thing...EVER.
I choose friends who I find, more often then not, can have intelligent and interesting conversations. If you are not one of those kinds of people, then you are probably not going to be my friend. I am not trying to say, however, that I won't have a conversation that isn't very meaningful, but at least I know from history that there is at least an intelligence behind my friends and that at some point the conversation will change to something we are both interested in.
Ok, I think I am done ranting for now but damn please stop telling me the weather forecast! I can go outside and figure it out on my own!
And it disturbs me that I have to hold back my conversation because I might offend someone. I think I will stop doing that. It will at least make for an interesting conversation starter. :)
I go out on smoke breaks at work and we have a bus stop for the smokers. Yes, it really is a bus stop, but it is up next to the building (which is about 100 yards from the main road). It has a wooden bench and stained plastic windows with a metal frame, which is good when it rains or snows but forces people closer together.
All they do is talk about useless, mindless shit that I could give a crap about: Nascar or golf or gardening or home repair or cars (God I hate talking about cars) or the weather or the snow or the cold or the heat or their kids or their wife or their husband or their family in general or the news or pathetic TV shows or even worse, about work.
I go outside half to fulfill my smoking habits and half to turn my brain off for a little bit from sitting in front of the computer all day programming. It allows me to rest my eyes away from the screen and try to enjoy a few moments not thinking about anything. But inevitably some fucking moron decides that, hey, he is too quiet, let's strike up a conversation! Gah, all I want to do is smoke and stop thinking. My brain goes fast enough as it is, let alone trying to think of some useless shit to talk about. I have more important things to think about if I was in the mood to think.
Anyway, I just came back from a break and it hit me at how much people talk about useless shit for either the sake of hearing their own voices so they don't have to think or just to try to "connect" with someone else because their life is such a pathetic waste of existence.
Granted, sometimes there is an intelligent conversation about science or music or even football if it is that time of year, which I enjoy but less so now. And I even sometimes listen and throw in an idea or two to give my view on things. Not that I really care about their point of view but maybe, just maybe, I can increase the IQ of some of the people here. Lost cause I know but worth a try once in a while.
Sounds very elitist of me doesn't it? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. And endless babble is NOT the best thing...EVER.
I choose friends who I find, more often then not, can have intelligent and interesting conversations. If you are not one of those kinds of people, then you are probably not going to be my friend. I am not trying to say, however, that I won't have a conversation that isn't very meaningful, but at least I know from history that there is at least an intelligence behind my friends and that at some point the conversation will change to something we are both interested in.
Ok, I think I am done ranting for now but damn please stop telling me the weather forecast! I can go outside and figure it out on my own!
And it disturbs me that I have to hold back my conversation because I might offend someone. I think I will stop doing that. It will at least make for an interesting conversation starter. :)
My Blog
So I have been reading recently in my friends' blogs about why they blog, what they tend to blog about and the repercussions that may happen by writing in their blog.
You know what I blog about? Me either. heh
Seriously, I blog because it is a release. If I have some issue on my mind, I write about it. Whether it is about community or society or personal issues or poetry or whatever.
Really, all my blog is is a diary (as Chase put it). When I first started blogging oh those many months ago (what 6 weeks or so now?) I was so wanting to have an audience. I wanted people to hear what I had to say and to comment on it. Perhaps start a discussion.
But as I continued to write, and I tend to write every day if possible, it has becoming more and more a thought dump of what I am feeling at the time I write. It is a way for me to express myself in a semi-anonymous way. If people I know read my blog, great! If not, then oh well. :) It is addictive, after all, writing down my thoughts and perhaps hearing feedback.
So, in essence, I get a blogasm when I write in my blog. Not because of what feedback I get but that I am actually able to express myself.
I tend to be a shy person in person and until I get to know you, and like you, I don't express my humor or my weird quirky view of the world, let alone anything in-depth about politics and community and all that.
Needless to say, I am just gonna blog til I don't want to any more, regardless of the consequences. Why? Because they are only consequences if I let them be. If people can't or don't want to understand me for who I am, or care about my opinions, then so be it. They can fuck off! :)
Why spend my time and effort worrying about what people are going to think of me when what is really important is that I am truly myself and not some false image I want to portray to people. So much less effort on my part and if the consequences are that you don't like me speaking my truth then you are the one not ready to hear it.
Take me as I am, otherwise I am nothing.
You know what I blog about? Me either. heh
Seriously, I blog because it is a release. If I have some issue on my mind, I write about it. Whether it is about community or society or personal issues or poetry or whatever.
Really, all my blog is is a diary (as Chase put it). When I first started blogging oh those many months ago (what 6 weeks or so now?) I was so wanting to have an audience. I wanted people to hear what I had to say and to comment on it. Perhaps start a discussion.
But as I continued to write, and I tend to write every day if possible, it has becoming more and more a thought dump of what I am feeling at the time I write. It is a way for me to express myself in a semi-anonymous way. If people I know read my blog, great! If not, then oh well. :) It is addictive, after all, writing down my thoughts and perhaps hearing feedback.
So, in essence, I get a blogasm when I write in my blog. Not because of what feedback I get but that I am actually able to express myself.
I tend to be a shy person in person and until I get to know you, and like you, I don't express my humor or my weird quirky view of the world, let alone anything in-depth about politics and community and all that.
Needless to say, I am just gonna blog til I don't want to any more, regardless of the consequences. Why? Because they are only consequences if I let them be. If people can't or don't want to understand me for who I am, or care about my opinions, then so be it. They can fuck off! :)
Why spend my time and effort worrying about what people are going to think of me when what is really important is that I am truly myself and not some false image I want to portray to people. So much less effort on my part and if the consequences are that you don't like me speaking my truth then you are the one not ready to hear it.
Take me as I am, otherwise I am nothing.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Accountability
So why exactly do our elected officials get away with so many ethic transgressions or even worse falsify and lie their way into office? Or lie and falsify WHILE in office?
Why do you vote? Because it is your duty? Because some candidate says to you that they know what is best? Do you really believe they will do what they say will do?
First rule about politics: Do not believe ANYTHING that a politician says.
That's an easy one to follow. But the real problem that we face is that, so what if they do? There is little to no accountability of our elected officials.
Do we really think that their "Ethics" committees will keep them in-line after the fact? Will censure really mean anything to them? Do they even have to follow the law that they either make or judge or offer for vote?
The answers to all those are a resounding NO.
So what the hell is the point of voting for people who will not do what they say they will do so you will vote for them? There is no point. What if there really is a candidate who occasionally does what they say they will do, but doesn't fight for things that YOU find important? Is that a good thing?
I say no.
The only person that can decide what is "best" for you, is you. That's it. No one else. No candidate will EVER believe everything you believe in, regardless of what they say. Because once they have the power you supposedly grant to them they do whatever the fuck they want.
What do you need to make them accountable? There is nothing you can do. Sorry to say it but its the truth.
Ok, so that's nice, now what?
The only way to do it is to be your own self, under your own rules. Granted, that is harsh and highly unlikely to happen. Most people don't even know how to take care of themselves, let alone do what they need to do to live and be happy. So, find other people who you mostly agree with and form a community. Each of you accountable to the others. If you do something shitty to another of your community then shit gets put on you for doing it. That's real accountability.
What about other people not in your community? Well, you can either fight them all the time to get what you want, or you figure out a way to get along.
What's better? Fighting all the time to defend yourself against someone for taking things from you, or finding some middle ground somewhere so you leave each other alone, or better yet trade skills for skills and ideas for ideas.
It's called mutuality. If they get shitty then they get shit on them by you. Simple as that. Accountability.
Doesn't sound easy does it? Who said it was going to be?
Life is not simple. Life is not easy. But it can be much better for you and yours if you work together. No leaders, no hierarchy, just each other accountable to each other.
Try to figure out a way for you and yours to do it. I don't have all the answers but I can at least try to shine some light on this whole shitty system.
Apparently all politicians have shit-guard Dockers because no matter what they do, no shit stains them.
Why do you vote? Because it is your duty? Because some candidate says to you that they know what is best? Do you really believe they will do what they say will do?
First rule about politics: Do not believe ANYTHING that a politician says.
That's an easy one to follow. But the real problem that we face is that, so what if they do? There is little to no accountability of our elected officials.
Do we really think that their "Ethics" committees will keep them in-line after the fact? Will censure really mean anything to them? Do they even have to follow the law that they either make or judge or offer for vote?
The answers to all those are a resounding NO.
So what the hell is the point of voting for people who will not do what they say they will do so you will vote for them? There is no point. What if there really is a candidate who occasionally does what they say they will do, but doesn't fight for things that YOU find important? Is that a good thing?
I say no.
The only person that can decide what is "best" for you, is you. That's it. No one else. No candidate will EVER believe everything you believe in, regardless of what they say. Because once they have the power you supposedly grant to them they do whatever the fuck they want.
What do you need to make them accountable? There is nothing you can do. Sorry to say it but its the truth.
Ok, so that's nice, now what?
The only way to do it is to be your own self, under your own rules. Granted, that is harsh and highly unlikely to happen. Most people don't even know how to take care of themselves, let alone do what they need to do to live and be happy. So, find other people who you mostly agree with and form a community. Each of you accountable to the others. If you do something shitty to another of your community then shit gets put on you for doing it. That's real accountability.
What about other people not in your community? Well, you can either fight them all the time to get what you want, or you figure out a way to get along.
What's better? Fighting all the time to defend yourself against someone for taking things from you, or finding some middle ground somewhere so you leave each other alone, or better yet trade skills for skills and ideas for ideas.
It's called mutuality. If they get shitty then they get shit on them by you. Simple as that. Accountability.
Doesn't sound easy does it? Who said it was going to be?
Life is not simple. Life is not easy. But it can be much better for you and yours if you work together. No leaders, no hierarchy, just each other accountable to each other.
Try to figure out a way for you and yours to do it. I don't have all the answers but I can at least try to shine some light on this whole shitty system.
Apparently all politicians have shit-guard Dockers because no matter what they do, no shit stains them.
Friends
You may or may not have noticed but I changed the template of the blog to add a friends list. Click on the link to go to their respective blogs/journals.
If I missed anyone important, let me know.
I think it is a good idea to be able to link folks together. It is like a chain or more actually a network. Friends of friends of friends etc.
Anyway, I have a spot saved for S, but she visits and doesn't comment. We will catch you one day. ;) Or just leave a link and we'll come visit and say hi. :)
Anyone else want to be linked?
If I missed anyone important, let me know.
I think it is a good idea to be able to link folks together. It is like a chain or more actually a network. Friends of friends of friends etc.
Anyway, I have a spot saved for S, but she visits and doesn't comment. We will catch you one day. ;) Or just leave a link and we'll come visit and say hi. :)
Anyone else want to be linked?
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Community (again)
So I have been trying to figure out why we haven't gotten very far in building our community, officially anyways. I think we are stuck on the naming of the community as opposed to what the community really means. A name is important to have.
However, I think one of the things that we are limited by is perhaps the three of us are not sufficient to take such an important task on before we build the community. Perhaps it may be a better idea to actually get the group of like-minded folks together, talk about the intentions of the community and get more brains on the ideas behind the community rather than wait until we can come up with a great name for it.
If after those who decide that this really is a great idea, which I think it is, then we can pursue the idea of naming it. I certainly don't want to open membership to just any Schmoe off the street regardless of our name, but it should be named by those who we hope would be in this community.
Just a crazy thought I guess, but perhaps invite folks who are important in our lives and will reinforce the idea of our community, meet up, chat about the ideas about the community, figure out what we will name ourselves and the kind of community we are (not necessarily the same name), and figure out a good time to have regular get-togethers.
The get-togethers, I envision, would be about community strengthening, like skill training, crafting (which is being done already on a different scale), and discussing needs and wants of those in the community and see if there are ways to accomplish those goals, and if not, figure out ways to achieve them using external means.
Just a crazy thought I guess to try to keep pushing the stone up the hill.
However, I think one of the things that we are limited by is perhaps the three of us are not sufficient to take such an important task on before we build the community. Perhaps it may be a better idea to actually get the group of like-minded folks together, talk about the intentions of the community and get more brains on the ideas behind the community rather than wait until we can come up with a great name for it.
If after those who decide that this really is a great idea, which I think it is, then we can pursue the idea of naming it. I certainly don't want to open membership to just any Schmoe off the street regardless of our name, but it should be named by those who we hope would be in this community.
Just a crazy thought I guess, but perhaps invite folks who are important in our lives and will reinforce the idea of our community, meet up, chat about the ideas about the community, figure out what we will name ourselves and the kind of community we are (not necessarily the same name), and figure out a good time to have regular get-togethers.
The get-togethers, I envision, would be about community strengthening, like skill training, crafting (which is being done already on a different scale), and discussing needs and wants of those in the community and see if there are ways to accomplish those goals, and if not, figure out ways to achieve them using external means.
Just a crazy thought I guess to try to keep pushing the stone up the hill.
The Difficulties of Holding Back
I am not sure if this is a song or a poem, but either way it is something...
The Difficulties of Holding Back
I want to throw my arms around you.
To hold you.
Hold you when you’re happy.
Hold you when you cry.
Hold you just to hold you.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
I wanted you to know
That I am here for you
Whether you want to be here with me or not.
I wanted you to know
That when you hurt, I hurt
And when you have joy,
I share it with you.
I am the piece of your life
That you don’t know you are missing.
I am the thought you should have
But you don’t
Because you are not ready.
I want to put my lips to yours.
To kiss you.
Kiss you when you are happy.
Kiss you when you cry.
Kiss you just to kiss you.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
How long do I wait?
How long can I wait?
You know we are right
But you hide that piece of you from me.
That potential love that is there;
The encompassing passion that I can give.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
And if the day were to come
When you and I are we.
I will hug you just to hug you.
I will kiss you just to kiss you.
And I will be with you
And you will be with me, here.
But it won’t
Because you are not ready.
The Difficulties of Holding Back
I want to throw my arms around you.
To hold you.
Hold you when you’re happy.
Hold you when you cry.
Hold you just to hold you.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
I wanted you to know
That I am here for you
Whether you want to be here with me or not.
I wanted you to know
That when you hurt, I hurt
And when you have joy,
I share it with you.
I am the piece of your life
That you don’t know you are missing.
I am the thought you should have
But you don’t
Because you are not ready.
I want to put my lips to yours.
To kiss you.
Kiss you when you are happy.
Kiss you when you cry.
Kiss you just to kiss you.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
How long do I wait?
How long can I wait?
You know we are right
But you hide that piece of you from me.
That potential love that is there;
The encompassing passion that I can give.
But I don’t
Because you are not ready.
And if the day were to come
When you and I are we.
I will hug you just to hug you.
I will kiss you just to kiss you.
And I will be with you
And you will be with me, here.
But it won’t
Because you are not ready.
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