Music

So I have been home all day sick, though "I'm feeling better;" "I'm not dead."

Anyway, I slept most of the day, but in between fatigue-induced coma I played some music.

I had a conversation with my friends Nacho (don't ask) and DeHuman8 the other night about a new band project. I really want to do this, so I got back on my keyboards and played around. I am not as bad I think sometimes. :)

And when my cough was in a lull I actually pulled out my recorder again and tried it out. It was pretty easy to get my fingerings back. Just playing through some of the fun 14th century recorder songs was fun. Didn't do half bad, and some of them are actually quite pleasant. I had to stop when I started coughing again and luckily, since my recorder is one of the plastic jobies, I could thoroughly clean it out to get the sick out of it. :)

The only thing I have left to do is find a drum kit and practice again. It has been a long time since I have played, unless of course air drums count. :) I "lost" my set when I moved out of my old apartment (2 apts ago) and left it in the basement. Gah!

Ah well, I wonder if my Master lock key still works for the basement door. Though it would be hard to explain that I used to live here (6 years ago) and am trying to recover my set. Heh.

In any event, I need to talk to AZ about getting on board with this too. I suppose this is as good a way as any to mention it. :)

*Puts thumb to ear and pinky to mouth* "Call me."

I think I figured it out

Here is another poem I wrote a while ago which is somewhat in line with the discussions that have been going around on my blog and my friends' blogs:

I think I figured it out

I think I figured it out.
The apocalypse is coming.
Why you may ask?
Think about this.
There is reincarnation.
Only thing is,
All the good souls move on.
They are allowed to stay at a higher plane.
They have figured things out.
They chose good over evil and are rewarded.
The problem:
All the evil souls are recycled.
The rejects are sent back to Earth.
Once again to try to make the right choice.
But we’re at the bottom of the barrel.
We are the sludge.
The evil is pervading the planet.
Wars continue to be fought for no reason.
Mass murders and genocides are all too common.
We are in a downward spiral of recycling the rotten.
All is not completely lost,
But time is running short for those who choose good.
The apocalypse is coming soon,
Choose wisely and get out while you can.

Zach

So it has been about a year since my nephew died in a car accident in Germany. I was going through some of my old documents (to look for tax stuff) and found a poem I wrote about Zach after we found out he had died.

At the time, it was a very powerful, heart-felt poem. I can still feel it, but as they say, time has a way of healing. I thought I would share it:

To Zach

Thank you for being you.
I will miss your smile.
I will miss your laugh.
You were a brightness in our lives.
My pain will subside someday.
But you will be in my heart always.
I knew you as a boy,
But I will never know you as a man.
May you know comfort and joy and love with God.
Because that is what you gave to us.
Farewell my Tigger friend,
You will be with me always.

Drained

So I am totally drained from the past few days worth of activity.

On Friday night, a few of us drove down to Boston to celebrate my friend Jim's birthday after work. We spent ~4 hours on the road and ate at the Hilltop, which is great for steak by the way. Spent about an hour or two at the restaurant and then came home. Needless to say it was a tiring drive after a full day at work, but was fun nonetheless.

Yesterday I went to two things to support my friends and their art. I went to a book signing where my friends CS and Chase were promoting his new book, his second published work, and Chase's first published cover art and illustrations. I hung out for a little while and chatted, bought the book, got signatures, became a henchman for a little while, and then headed home to get another ticket online for the Dresden Dolls show for CS. I had already got Chase and myself one on Friday.

Anyway, after going home and resting a bit and getting another ticket, I headed to my friend's photography display at the Portland Museum of Art. I went a little early to stop in at the book signing again and see how things were going and caught about half of a chapter that CS was reading from the book. Very vivid and violent...I think I am going to like the book. :)

So after the annoying guy pestering CS with dull questions, I headed up to the Museum and met up with Charles in the Glass Gallery downstairs. I had seen much of his work before when I put his initial website up for his foundation together, but never in this format. Displayed were about ~30 of his photographs of some of the most desperate places in the world and he captured the essence and the despair of the people who live there in his photographs. It was amazing and sad at the same time. The format of the pictures was 2'x3', or so, high quality pictures with captions for each of those.

Anyway, he also had a foundation talk after the reception, where he went through the 4 countries he traveled to in the last decade (3 of them within the last 3 years). Anyway, if you are interested, go to the foundations website at: http://www.icepfund.org

Apparently I have to recover my old website info because the new webmaster decided to get rid of all the pictures and captions from the old website. Charles was not amused. In any event, there is not much there right now, but hopefully that will be corrected soon.

And today I got a table and set of chairs from my mom (who also went to the show) and brought them from her house. Damn that table was heavy.

So, after this whirlwind of activity I need to crash. I would like to sit back, have a beer and read CS's book, but I have people to call and tell them I am not going to doing anything for the rest of the day. Ugh.

I think this is the first post I actually named names and talked about things I did. I know, boring, but I guess I just had to write it down. :)

Stay tuned for more exciting posts next time...

Same Bat Time, Same Bad Channel...

Art

Do you like art? What kind? Music, paintings, writings, drawings, fashion, any other number of media?

I have a thing for art and artists. I enjoy not only experiencing the art but getting the perspective of the artist and either how they decided upon their choice of medium or their inspiration.

It fascinates me at how many perceptions of the world there are and how those thoughts and imaginations are conveyed to the world. Granted, my view of the world is skewed towards the macabre or the "dark" side of life but that's just me.

And it is not like I am a dark person. I am actually pretty laid back but I have dark broodings on occasion and I enjoy finding the genuine person behind the art, whether dark or otherwise.

There are some forms of art that I find are too commercialized and really not my taste. I don't want art that panders to the masses. Whether it is popular or not is not the point, it is the pandering that I dislike.

Anyway, so I tend to have friends who are creative and I enjoy their company because of their different sort of perspective. It is refreshing and reinforces my own sense of the world. Not very practical I suppose, but who says the world always has to be practical?

Enjoy life and all who are in it!

A Peek into the Mind of a Wonderful Doll

So I did some searching of the internet and found the journal of Amanda of Dresden Dolls fame. I found myself reading all the way back to the beginning and couldn't help but be struck by how much like my little band (pun intended) of friends is.

I guess it makes sense.

By the Dolls music and our love for it, it can only be a soul connection on some ethereal plane that we are unaware of consciously. This connection gets trickled through some electronic media, or if lucky, from the source and the soul mating of like-minded people gets frenzied together in a wonderful stew.

Anyway, if interested you can find her blog of her Dresden Doll experience, and just the experience of being human here:

http://www.dresdendolls.com/diary/index.html

Also, I thought I would throw in a comment on the most recent post to see what happens.

I wish it wasn't sold-out. :/

I wish I wasn't so slow to realize my enjoyment of them. Someone smack me next time they see me!

[EDIT: apparently the link didn't work AND I went online through the website and got tickets! Woot!]

Here's my comment:

So I go searching the internet for this band that my friends are raving about, the Dresden Dolls. I download music from their site and listen with awe and wonder. Wow.

Ok, so enough flattery, or should I do more? :)

So, unless of course you read this after you have left, you will be arriving in Portland Maine on Super Bowl Sunday. Congratulations, you have a sold out show up here, and many of my friends will be in attendance.

I am very happy for you, really. You don't know me from Joe "Who the Fuck are you" Schmoe, or maybe not even care, but alas I cannot attend because of some ordinance involving fire marshalls and the number of human bodies that can be cramed into a building at once and something about not having tickets available.

Needless to say, I am writing this monotribe to let you know that you are excitily (a word?) anticipated here in Portland and I look forward to hearing the wonderfulness of your show from my friends.

And I plan to pass your thoughts from the blogosphere (never really liked that word) onto my blog addicted Dresden Doll fan friends (who are going to the show).

All the best!
Brent

P.S. Will be cross-posting this on my blog cause it got uncontrollably long!

Being Your Self

Fabrication of your self to other people, or putting up a front, or trying to control situations can work, but it is very time consuming and can lead down a road that is hard to get off. The lies, or at least falsehoods, have a tendency to keep on rolling and become more and more intricate. It takes a lot of energy just trying to remember what you had said to cover your previous lies.

I have a solution.

Be your self.

I know, it sounds simple but it really takes a lot of resolve and training to not cover your self up. Fear of rejection, ridicule, judgment, foolishness, basically of what other people think is a driving force in why we lie. It takes a lot of up front energy to break that fear and to know that you are who you are and it doesn't matter what other people think.

Your friends will like and love you for who you are regardless of your downfalls. Anyone who doesn't accept you for who you are really aren't your friends. It's very simple. It's realizing that fact that will help you become more comfortable just being your self.

Recently I came to that realization and it has really liberated me from my fear. I really am a great person. If you don't think I am, then you are not really my friend. :) Not trying to pass judgment on you or anyone, just a fact.

By far it takes less energy and effort to overcome your fears than to keep the lies straight and the shield up.

The only other part about that is to know who to reveal yourself to. Granted, not to just anyone, because that can definitely be used against you or to try to take advantage of you. Learning who to trust can be a task in itself, but if you give people the benefit of the doubt until they fuck it up then the less energy you have to spend on them.

Just be yourself and the fear and worry will go away. I have struggled with the realization the past week or so but am more secure now in that knowledge than anything I have known before.

Go me! :)

Resolution

I think I had mentioned a while ago how it is hard sometimes to keep the self-doubt from creeping in in the morning.

It's like an ongoing struggle because, on the one hand, I am a scientist and see the world through eyes of causality, relativity and mathematics. I can understand how things work, why they work and think of ways to test theories. On the other hand, I am an emotional, caring, compassionate, and loving person. I care about other people, and can empathize with what is happening in their lives and I try to help them out when I can.

I just wonder where this conflict arose.

I usually have an easy time changing hats, so to speak, which allows me to analyze one minute when it comes to work or learning or teaching and another minute change hats to listen to someone's troubles and give support as needed.

But sometimes I wear both hats at the same time, trying to figure someone out using my analyzer hat, which rarely works, or try to change how things are by hoping they are different and seeing the potential for making things better.

Apparently I am in analytical mode because I am trying to figure myself out. As you may have seen the other day, I was trying to figure my self out with my emotional hat. Neither seems to be working out quite right.

Anyway, the battle still rages and I really would like to know if there is an end to the war, or is it just a thing that goes on until you cannot fight any more.

Anticipation

Ever have the feeling that what you want to happen that hasn't happened yet seems imminent but isn't happening? You know, anticipating a phone call or a visit from someone? Whether it is good, an excited kind of feeling, or bad, an anxious sort of feeling or even the dreaded one in between where you are not sure whether it is good news or bad news, so you're feeling both an exhilaration and a trepidation at the same time?

I hate the third kind even more so then expecting the worst news. You know you can't do anything about the bad news and being anxious about it has negative effects but also is a known quantity. You know how bad it is going to be. The good news one is great to have, and the only problem is the waiting. But that third type, the unknown, is both a blessing and a curse. So it may be either good news or bad news, it may depend on what you say on what the outcome will be, so you try to prepare yourself for the worst but you also need to try to make the best of it at the same time.

Needless to say, it is frustrating.

That pit of the stomach fear that things will go terribly wrong, but the euphoric high that could come about if it works out great is always at the edge of the dread.

The best way to remedy it is to not even think about it, or at least assume the worst and deal with those consequences. If you go too far as to hope for the best, then the high expectations could come crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, if you anticipate the worst, then even if it is good news, you still have that lingering fear that it will go horribly wrong at any moment, or it could make it seem too good to be true and not appreciate it's goodness.

Darn, I guess talking about it hasn't distracted me enough. I should get back to work...or maybe go home and drink myself into a stupor.

Decisions, decisions.

Keirsey Test

So after reading (and writing) my poem, I decided to figure out what kind of personality I am.

I figured, "Hey, why the heck not." :)

You can get a free one at: http://www.advisorteam.com/temperament_sorter/register.asp?partid=1

Here's what I got:

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

===

And apparently I am leaning toward "healer" type INFP.

So much for my Physics degree heh.

The Search

What is the next great thing I must do?
I must find something to do.
It is in my heart that I must
And it is in my heart that I must succeed.
Why must I, you ask?
It is a need, a desire, a raison d’être, a drive.
It is all these things and more,
Yet nothing more than a notion, a thought or a wisp from the future.

Why is my compulsion such as it is?
A heart-felt aching, a burning of the soul, an overwhelming heart’s pain.
It is only what I need or want,
And it is anything I desire.
And yet nothing at all.
Nothing until it is done.

Why do I have wanderlust?
To find the next best thing?
To find what I am seeking, searching and hunting for?
Or do I stay at home at night
Only hoping beyond hope
That my imagination will be sufficient to achieve it?

This I ask and seek the answer, the truth and the reason.
Can you tell me the answer?
And if you do, are you what I am trying to find?
Are you my answer, my desire, my love?
Is that what it means to love?
To find the answers your heart-strings are searching for?

Perhaps, but it is best not to wonder why?
For wondering or questioning or asking is to find yet another quest.
Another search for the answers to your answered question.
It is this that makes us human.
It is this that makes us mortal.
And it is this, in the end that we may find at the end.
Or do we?
Feeble is one who seeks this answer for it is not there
Until you are no longer there to ask it.

Difficulties

Why is it so hard to figure out how to set up a community?

I guess the major part of this kind of community is that having like-minded people means, to me, having people able to think for themselves. The difficulty really lies in that we all have our own ideas on how the community needs to be set up, but because we are thinking and intelligent people, our ideas don't exactly mesh.

It is working through these coordinations that can be quite taxing. Wouldn't it be better to have a bunch of sheeple who follow someone's lead all the time and not question what may not be right for them? Sure, except now you are in a hierarchy and it allows more people to be lazy and try to leech off the community because there are no consequences of their inaction.

Anyway, finding consensus between intelligent people is a difficulty, as I mentioned, but I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

I would rather have long discussions about the way things should be then to limit my self and follow the "leader". Sometimes, when there is no consensus, resolution of the difficulties could be disastrous or at least lead to not doing anything at all (the easy way out).

So, we must acquiesce to some degree to those who are part of the community as long as they also acquiesce on other issues.

That is what compromise is all about. And as long as, in the long run, it doesn't lead to more difficulties to the self, then it will work out.

Work together when you can, but work alone if you have to, just hope it doesn't have to come to that. :)

Self-Confidence

Do you trust in your own judgment? Do you need to follow what other people say or do or are you the leader?

I find that my self-confidence, though bolstered in my new revelations, still wavers once in a while. Usually when I first wake up and am still a bit disoriented.

It takes me a few minutes to wake up and realize how great I am. :)

That can sound pretty negative I suppose but really it is reaffirming that I am an individual and that my thoughts and actions are really important to me. Granted, I definitely take advice from other people which can only help me grow as a person, but still, it is nice to know I have a firm self foundation.

As you probably noticed this weekend, I was pretty down. I was suffering from my own imagination. I actually have a very good imagination, which definitely can lead to all sorts of fanciful ideas about how things should be and how that can affect the now. But in reality, my imagination brought out emotions in me that, at least this time, were negative.

Needless to say, I was wrong in my imaginations. Good for me in reality actually but it definitely woke me up to my fanciful ideas about the future and evaluations of the past.

I guess what I am trying to say is, the future will take care of itself as long as you live in the present. Learning from the past is also important, but only with a firm grasp of the present.

Anyway, I am still happy with my self and who I am. My confidence is still high as long as I don't let my imagination get control of me (as far as trying to force the imagination on reality).

Then again, in the right circumstances, imagination is a big asset. :)

It's hard being both an adult and a child at the same time!

Yummy Blizzard

No, not the Dairy Queen kind.



Wonderful how blizzards keep the streets silent and the world remains in white.

And I must say, it is damn cold. That is why I stayed inside and took these through my windows. (Sorry for the screens :) ).



Just be glad that you are not out there (like these guys).



Baby it's cold outside!

Truth

Do you speak the truth? Is it ok to say little white lies to "protect" someone's feelings? Or do you blatantly lie to get what you want?

I guess everyone does a bit of all of these depending on whatever situation they are in. Some lie more than others, some tell the truth regardless of the feelings of others, while probably most of us say only what needs to be said without making waves.

I fall in the middle somewhere, but lean toward truthfulness whenever possible.

Why should I not say the truth outright? Because most people can't handle the truth, me being one of them heh. I'd rather be told what I want to hear rather than what is obviously true. It's a fault I know, among many.

In any event, the only way for others to know who you really are is to speak the truth about yourself and not what others necessarily want to hear, because of course we can't read minds (I know I can't anyways).

Perhaps it is best to say white lies to not hurt people's feelings or to not leave yourself open for ridicule or other hurtful things.

But then again, who is the most important? You are (well to yourself). Shouldn't you do whatever it takes to get what you want? Be so selfish that it doesn't matter what others think or feel about you?

Then again, wouldn't that make it impossible for you to become part of a real community to be known as a liar or an unfeeling truth-sayer?

Ah, truth is such a fickle friend indeed.

Pick your poison and hope that it takes a long time to make you sick and die.

Wallow and to wallow

Wallow and to wallow
As my heart desires
And is never able to grasp
As usual it is so
For my desires and my loves
Are never real
Only my imagination

Forever it is to be
Alone and to be alone
For it is my pathetic lot in life
Yay for me
And all who know me
Pity me for I need it
But pity is the thing I wish not

Why me you ask?
Perhaps because my heart
Is so full of love
Unrequited love
Forever alone but never alone
Only my thoughts
But always the temptation
To be loved

My heart’s ache
As usual and as forever
It hurts enough sometimes
But there is always room
For more of the ache
Because that is all I get

Damn it all to hell
And back again
Why bother?
It is a lost cause
As usual
But to be unfeeling
Is to be not human any longer
Too bad for you
Who do not see
What I am and can be

Take not pity for me
I cannot bear it much longer
I can only be me
And to be anything else
Would be to fake
Or to folly
As the case may be

Forgive me my faults
For they are strong
And they are deep
Yet they are not all that I am
They are but a portion
Of who I am
And who I am yet to be.

One more drink
And my pain will subside
At least until
The consciousness of my stupor
Awakens me once more
To my solitude
Damn it I say
And with that
The next pain awaits.

Perception

...or lack thereof.

Apparently I am really poor at recognizing the obvious, well obvious to other people.

I am very poor in understand other humans and it looks like it bites me again in the ass.

Ah well. I guess I need a lot more practice in dealing with other people, otherwise I'll lose out.

I was under the understanding that things were going relatively well, could have been better of course, but then again, nothing is perfect. In any event, it went well enough from my point of view (notice lack of perception again). Guess I was wrong

So one of two things is happening...either I am overreacting and things are alright just misunderstood (by me of course) or I am getting not so subtle hints to go away (which I am taking as of now).

Am I hurt? Yes. But more in the disappointed sort of way then oww I am going to die kind.

Ah well, life goes on, just need more practice. :/

Trust

Who do you trust and why do you trust them?

Is it that they can keep a secret? Do they not try to fuck you over given plenty of opportunities? Or do they have some quality about them that makes them trustworthy?

I find it interesting that we trust other people. Perhaps it is some inherent need to be able to confide in someone else about what you are thinking or feeling or doing. In all honesty, the only person you can truly trust is yourself but there are definitely grades and levels of trust that you have for people.

What all "good" relationships involve is a certain level of trust (that you determine on your own) and are comfortable talking about very personal things with. There are other levels that you would never trust to anyone else, secret desires and thoughts that would make them cringe.

Then there is the superficial trust you give to many more people, as in, you can give them money to go to the store and buy beer for you and actually return the change. But you wouldn't trust them with your bank account numbers or PIN number necessarily. I definitely have more of those types of "friends" than I have trusted friends.

Then there are the ones you wouldn't entrust with anything that you are not willing to lose. But those usually don't last long as "friends" and usually fall into acquaintances or the generic "other people".

So why do we put our trust in the "other people" when we know for sure that they are not worthy of our trust? A trust that the police will protect you when assaulted, or a judge to be impartial under the "law", or a politician will do what they say once they are in office?

If I might direct you, the differences between your trusted friends and these "others" is clearly a matter of power and position. Trusted friends are on equal grounds with you, as in, you see each other as more or less equals, while the "others" enforce their "trust" by "laws" and "rules" and "mandates" and all that crap.

And most of all, trust is earned and not forced. So until any of the "others" in power earn my trust, they most certainly will have my distrust.

Make sure to ask yourself who you trust and why, otherwise you are just following orders.

Gentleman

What is it about me that makes me compelled to remain a gentleman around people (women in particular). Is it my need to fool myself into believing that is what women want or is it something that has been taught to me over years of institutionalization?

Perhaps it is just that it makes me feel good to treat people with respect whether earned or unearned and that allows me to feel comfortable around new people?

But the thing is, I don't always feel this way. I have carnal feelings just like every other person (and anyone that tells you different is trying to "teach" you something).

I suppose I am just angsty right now for not following my instincts completely and allowing only part of myself to show through in hopes that that is what she wants to see.

I suppose I should just say and do what I feel without infringing on her self (mainly because I am not like that). So I guess we'll see where this part of my introspection takes me.

Wish me luck heh.

Enemy of the State

As you can probably tell, this will be a contentious post and probably controversial. Oh well. :)

I am the enemy of the State.

I am a free thinker trying to do what is in my self-interest. The State is against me in doing this because it chooses what is "right" and "wrong" and what is "best" for its citizens. It chooses these things "for" me eventhough most of its choices are not "for" me. It chooses to make me pay money to it (a tithe) so it can continue to choose things for me. It decides whether what I do is "lawful" or not. It is protecting itself against me. Therefore it is an enemy to me.

And hence, I am an enemy to it.

I choose to follow some of its "rules" because it suits me and is in-line with what I choose. When it does not, then it will try to "prevent" me from doing so.

I choose not to kill. Not because it is "wrong" but because I do not wish it. If circumstances dictate that I must to protect myself, then I will. I choose not to hurt anyone because it is what I choose to do (or in this case, not to do), but if I must, I will. It follows that in these cases I am in-line with the State but not because of it, but because of me.

So, in essence, I am the enemy of the State because the State has decreed that I am to follow their "rules" and "laws" and "rights" and "sacrifice" to them at their discretion against my will.

They chose the fight, and fight I will if I choose, in my OWN way.

FYI here is a link to some interesting reading:
http://www.nonserviam.com/egoistarchive/stirner/

Especially the English translation of "The Ego and His Own".

Reconciliation

So I am trying to figure out what my world-view is in light of my inspiration over the weekend and it has not been a simple task. I have found myself every morning letting the self-doubt awaken once again and by sheer force of will remember that I am who I am and not worry about what other's think of me. Not easy, let me tell you.

Why is it that we take the opinion of other people to justify what and who we are is really important. It's this justification that is actually hurting your self (notice the space). In fact, regardless of what others think, you need to be comfortable with who you are and that your decisions are right for you. If, of course, your decisions are not based on what is in your self-interest (notice I have been refraining from using best-interest) then only you are accountable to them.

No one can tell you what to think, though they try real hard. Perhaps they can have an effect after prolonged exposure to their input. In other words they are trying to "convince" you or really "indoctrinate" you into their way of thinking "for your own good."

It began young with your parents, then school, then work and government and society and any number of other "institutions" to make sure you are "good" and "obedient" and "moral" and "free" and "right" and blah blah blah.

The best person to know these things, or even if these things are important, is you. Not me, not them, not your family, or friends or boss, or anyone, just you.

So imagine you're peeling back the immense rotting onion levels that have been covering yourself for many years and see what is really there. Once you even start doing that, the rest will follow.

But like I said, the reconciliation of figuring these things out is not necessarily easy, at least for me. :)

Make it so, because no one else can.

Friendship

Who are your friends? More importantly, why are they your friends?

I have been evaluating the first question in light of the second question. What do my friends really mean to me?

Essentially it is about what gives me pleasure. Sometimes I want to feel important in other's eyes and, really to be placated in a way. It gives me pleasure to feel good about myself when others say it. Now, of course, any fake person could do that for you, all those yes-men and of-course people. You are great, you are wonderful, you are my knight in shining armor, blah blah. Those are not my friends.

The ones who make it known, because it is real there, through various means, like snuggling or a smile or laughing at my jokes or whatever, those are the people I choose as friends. It is this genuine affection that I enjoy and because it pleases me, it is selfish inherently.

Additionally, I enjoy a good discussion about things I enjoy. Recently it is philosophy, but also entertainment I enjoy like dancing, music, football and games. When I find someone who also enjoys these things, in total or in part, I consider them my friends, because it gives me pleasure, and it is selfish inherently.

So I guess the question really is, why do we do the things we do and why do we make friends with people? Because we are selfish, or more directly it serves self-interest.

Of course there are a great many things that we do and think about that involves giving up this selfishness for the "greater good" or for self-sacrifice. And in these things we lose ourselves, be it faith or truth or freedom or justice or humanity or charity or many other things I could list but would take forever.

By not being FOR these things am I AGAINST them?

Not exactly. What I am against is foregoing yourself and your self-interest for the interests of someone else, i.e. for the not-me. Can these things ever be found? Yes. By accepting the self-interest of others while not sacrificing our own self-interest all these things can come to be. In understanding myself, I am able to see others for themselves, and by being friends with them, help them attain their self-interests while not giving myself to them.

In any event, those who I call my friends, I choose to call my friends because of my self-interest, and in kind, if they choose me as a friend it is because it is in their self-interest.

The whole world would be better off if everyone chose their self-interest over their self-sacrifice while acknowledging that everyone has their own self-interest and without asking for their self-sacrifice.

Joie de vive

aka "Joy of Life"

I had an epiphany last night and it made me feel real good about myself and everything frankly.

Let me tell you a bit about what set the stage for the epiphany and then tell you what it is.

I got a phone call last night from a good friend of mine. She called and we talked about how all her friends and members of her community found me to be a great, nice guy and that they want to spend more time with me. Plans, as far as I know, involved dinner and dancing, which always sounds fun to me. :)

Anyway, that was very uplifting and made me feel good that being myself was not in vain.

Secondly, I was reading some philosophy of Max Stirner who talks about Unions of Egoists and that the individual and self-interest are the most important things for a better society.

And so what hit me was that, I am great person. :)

Sounds egotistical but frankly that's ok.

I have come to realize that what is important to me in my wants and needs, and that being myself regardless of situations is very important to me. Sounds like this could be a bad thing right?

It's not. Because I also realized at the same time is that what also gives me pleasure is interacting with people that I enjoy. Be it friends or family or whatever, it gives me pleasure to be with them and all-in-all it is in my best self-interest to do what gives me pleasure.

The other caveat that goes with that is that I want all my friends and family to do the same thing! I want them to be themselves no matter what and do what gives them pleasure. It is in this that, by being together and having social intercourse (and maybe the other kind to) that both have a positive affect in our self-interests.

And yet another thing that I realized is that by satisfying my self-interest in wanting my friends and family to realize their self-interest I gain. It easily follows if everyone were to follow that principle. If your self-interest negatively affects your friends' and family's self-interest, then you are, by stating that you gain from their attaining their self-interest, hurting yourself, and hence hurting your self-interest.

What this also leads to is, directly or indirectly, by negatively affecting someone else's self-interest you are only hurting yourself directly or indirectly.

What I am trying to say I guess is, support everyone's self-interest as long as it doesn't negatively affect anyone else's self-interest. In this we are able to have a positive impact on everyone, directly or indirectly, while never harming our own self-interest.

So the idea of self-sacrifice negatively affects you and, by sacrificing to others, you are lowering their positive self-interest indirectly and hence you are in effect hurting everyone by your own self-sacrifice.

In a strange way it is very liberating. By serving my own self-interest, which is intimately involved in seeing my friends' and family's self-interest achieved and thus positively affecting me, I can make the world better for me and my community.

In effect, community is served best by achieving your self-interest, by helping those you care about achieve their self-interest because it helps you achieve your self-interest, and by not negatively affecting anyone else's self-interest then the community and society as a whole achieves positive self-interest.

I love epiphanies.

Blank and Props

I have two things to say, one, I want folks to read for themselves differing and agreeing viewpoints and viewpoints that fall into neither (or is it both?)

Here are some links to friends and family's blogs:

http://www.anarchyzen.blogspot.com/
http://www.dehuman8.blogspot.com/
http://psuche.blogspot.com/
http://jwl.freakwitch.net/

Thanks to those who have read my views and debated them and wanted to give a little shout out for their views too. :)

My other point is that I have no other point. I am a blank tonight for some reason.

It actually has more to do with SO much to say but not many coherent thoughts to actually convey properly. Please forgive my non-topicness. :)

In any event, what I hope happens is people read my views and the views of those links (and then links from those links etc) and make your own views. Link them here so I can take a look so I can continue my learning of what makes up the human fabric so that I may expand myself and hopefully help expand you all.

And now back to the blank...

Huygens

And on a different note, the Huygens probe has successfully landed on Saturn's largest moon of Titan and is now transmitting data through Cassini to Earth.

Yes, I am an astronomy geek.

Can't wait to see more images!

To follow the action go to:

http://www.esa.int/SPECIALS/Cassini-Huygens/index.html
http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/cassini/main/index.html

Defensive

It is an interesting position to be on the defensive. Defending one's ideas that happen to appear on the internet. Is it important to defend one's views against another so clearly against and perhaps even offended by those views?

Perhaps, perhaps not.

Inherently, I am a passive person and thus am not prone to goading and/or aggressive objection. But, it is often the case that I concede points of contention in the interest of not getting involved in an aggressive and perhaps nonsensical argument. When there is a clear non-agreement, as in, the points of debate cannot be agreed upon regardless of the length of the arguments, then the point of debate is moot.

Now, I encourage and welcome thoughts and ideas about different viewpoints and am interested in seeing what others have to say about different issues. But getting into an argument or what I call a "pissing contest" is against what I believe a positive discourse involves.

In any event, my main goal is to express my opinions about what I believe, rightly or wrongly, and give reasons and sources to why I believe what I believe. It is not my interest to create a debate society or to have continuing ongoing dialog about why my beliefs are wrong.

I do encourage people expressing their beliefs and their reasons and sources for why they believe what they believe. I am against, however, discounting each others beliefs.

It is the differences between people that should be celebrated and not the persuasion of others to our own views that is important.

So I will refrain from expressing negative beliefs about other's beliefs while, in turn, express my own beliefs without resorting to persuasion.

Hopefully that will lead to a less bitter blog. :)

Born Free

So I am going to make a quick note right now about why freedom and working for other people is not compatible.

First off, freedom is your right to be yourself and express yourself as your individual wants and needs afford you without, of course, inhibiting those same rights in others, who are also free. The other thing is, that your freedom is your own and cannot be taken from you, except by force or coersion of course.

But what about giving it away? Like when you freely choose to work for another person (barring of course circumstances beyond your control). Can you willingly give up some of your freedoms for the better part of a day (8 hours or so in the USA) and still remain free?

The moment that you choose to work for someone else you lose your freedom afforded you in your right of freedom, for being a human. Therefore, it is not possible to be really free when you do not work for anyone but yourself because someone else will tell you what you can and cannot do and how to do what they want you to do.

However, the real problem is, the opportunity to work for yourself, given little or no capital, is impossible given the current circumstances of wealth and capitalism. Hence, as I said before, the circumstances beyond your control are actually circumstances created by other MORE free individuals in that they have the capital/wealth. In other words, a form of force and/or coercion.

Therefore, captialism is economic force on those who have not forced or coerced others to work for them.

Interesting huh?

Words of Wisdom

Actually, what I am going to talk about is a lot of nothing. No wisdom whatsoever. What, you think I have all the answers?

The problem is not finding the right answers, it's asking the right questions.

Sure, we have questions all throughout our lives and some actually get answered, but many of them have superficial or even nonsensical answers or even worse they are open to interpretation and hence non-answers.

Anyway, what are some important questions that have been asked and not answered?

What is the meaning of life?
Too many answers, or answers that are open to interpretation, hence non-answers.

The meaning of life, in my interpretation, is freedom, justice and happiness. Each of us knows what those mean and no one can answer them for us. Unfortunately, too many try to interpret what we think they mean for us, and even worse many people accept those answers without seeking what they really mean to them.

Freedom: To do what it is that makes you who you are.
Justice: To be allowed to be free and happy.
Happiness: Achieving what you want and need.

The great thing about those three things is they all are part of the same thing. Individuality and the ability to acheive it. However, the caveat is that all are allowed freedom, justice and happiness. It is inherent in any society, otherwise you are a sociopath (against society). What this leads to is a community of individuals.

Well, that sounds too good to be true, because there is always people who will try to take advantage of other people. That is true, but the moment that happens, they are a sociopath. They are against the agreed upon societal mores and thus are not part of the community any longer. Sounds harsh? Well, of course, this is an extreme example and punishment and probably not really what should happen in reality. What should really happen, when someone knows what their truth is, their freedom, justice and happiness, they can just say no.

Sounds like a Nancy Reagan slogan.

Anyway, the problem is that each community must determine how they would deal with people who choose not to respect other members of the community. And there are no hard and fast rules. That's the great part of individuality, each can choose to be part of what community they wish and each community's agreed upon mores are decided by those of the community.

Unfortunately, getting from our current system of how things work to this new, and I believe better, way must be done such that all members of society understand their true rights. Until then, we are stuck and oppressed.

As I said before, and I will reiterate:

You can only free yoruself. (But it sure helps when others are trying to free themselves too).

Why so serious?

It seems in the last few posts I have been pretty serious and/or morbid about things that I find interesting and important. Why so serious you ask? Well, you probably didn't ask but I am gonna say something about it anyways. :)

Honestly, I am not that serious of a person, I am usually cracking jokes or viewing the world from a slightly "off" angle. Plus I like throw left field curves and hope they hit their mark. Usually that's not the case but I try anyways. :)

I find the medium here is easier to rant on then to try to crack jokes on. Sure I attempt it but I doubt it gets across very well. I am more of a situational comic and play off of other's much better than doing a monotribe about humorous things.

My monotribe is more attuned to what I think the world aught to be, life according to me, instead of trying to be funny.

So forgive my seriousness, and those who know me know that I am only serious when something is wrong, and I guess the blog world allows me to be serious when no one is around. :)

Ah well, now back to your regularly scheduled moroseness. (Is that a word? :) )

Numb

So, I have been trying to figure out what to do about all the wrongs in the world and why I feel so numb at the sheer enormity of the work ahead of us.

Now, I am not a militant against anything per se, I just have radical ideas on the way things "should" be. I also have a realistic streak and understand how things currently are. I also tend to be a problem solver and am trying to reconcile the two worlds. One in which we live and one that I hope to have for the world.

Now, the numbness stems from my unclear understanding on the transition period between the two worlds. What really has to happen to get from one to another while limiting negative impact (or worse the ultimate impact) to those in society. And this slow realization that there can be no purely peaceful means of transition, and my pacifist hackles rise at the concept.

But the real issue is getting people to realize that the world sucks the way it is now (yes, I know it could be worse, but efforts have already been made to avoid THAT fate) and it needs to change soon before there will be no opportunity to change it without drastic changes and means.

I am a big fan of means justifying the ends and NOT the ends justifying the means. It is important keep your ideals and morals while changing the world to represent those ideals and morals. Otherwise, anything goes to get to the world which represents those ideals and morals but in the end those ideals and morals cannot exist based on how it was achieved.

Needless to say, and like I have mentioned earlier, the numbness also stems from my lone voice speaking out, though I am trying to "network", if you will, and find like-minded folks who understand the reality of the way things are and the means and end of what it should and can be.

Please read the following webiste and see if you can be part of the solution, and hopefully, a cure for my numbness.

http://www.infoshop.org/faq/index.html

Selfish

Have you ever done something purely for yourself with no regard for anyone else? Do you feel guilty about it?

I do, sometimes.

I am not talking about doing something that hurts someone else, or invades someone's autonomy, but something that you do that, eventhough it affects other people peripherally, is still very selfish. I find it hard to justify sometimes.

Why?

Not sure really. I tend to empathize well and I give other's points of view more credence than I should. But it is not a bad thing to think of other's well-being first is it? It probably is, because it is the self that should be thought of first and other's second, but that's the rub isn't it?

You have to think of yourself first if you want to survive, but you also have to consider others if you consider yourself part of a community. Otherwise, you hurt others and lose your community. But if you never consider yourself first, you lose yourself and your individuality.

Isn't being human grand?

Needless to say, the line between self and community is fine, but is not impossible. You just keep score. One for me, one for everyone else. Two for me, one, two for them. Heh.

I guess what I am really trying to get at is be selfish insofar as your survival is not an issue, but be selfless when your selfishness would harm others without harming yourself.

Fine line indeed.

Awakening

What will it take for people to awaken from their sleep and realize that they are being oppressed?

Well, if you are one of them, then you are still asleep, just roll over and fall back asleep for a little while longer, or get up and look around.

Take a look at your life and really assess what you have and compare it to what you really want to do. Not things per say but goals or dreams. Like spending more time with your children or spouse, or taking a trip to a place you have always wanted to go or perhaps learn how to draw, paint, write, sing, play music or just read.

Do you have time for all that? Probably not.

Do you own your own home? Or do you pay mortgage, rent or worse perhaps have an impending lien? Is there enough room there for you and your family? Do you even have a place to live?

Are you secure enough at work to pay for all that in the near future or any hope to live in your own home with no debts? Probably not.

Do you work? Do you have a job or a career? Are you comfortable where you are or are you concerned with losing your job during the next round of layoffs? Are you satisfied with what you are doing, does your work have meaning to you, do you care that you are doing a good job and if you are doing a good job are you comfortable with your compensation? Can you pay all your bills and have enough food to eat every day, your family can eat every day?

Is work fulfilling and sustaining enough to be comfortable with no concerns? Probably not.

Do you have a feeling of lack of ambition, low self-esteem, self-pity, fear, self-doubt, perhaps even a loathing for what you do that you know is wrong but do it anyway so you can try to sustain your current level of lifestyle or trying to attain a better one? Do you worry about anything that you shouldn't have to worry about like your health, food, sanity, well-being, home, or any of these for your family?

Are you confident in who you are what you want and how to get everything that you want and need to satisfy who you are? Probably not.

If anything in those questions rings true, then perhaps you are starting to awaken. I know I have recently.

I know I am not everything I can be because of lack of time and self-doubt and worry about money and paying back all my debts and bills. But I am comfortable, which is a start. I am comfortable in knowing that I can withstand almost anything life can throw at me, but the problem is, not everything will go my way and to be honest, feeling comfortable does not mean you are.

I have been deluding myself into thinking that I can handle the way things are and sustain. But the problem is that the things that are causing distress in our lives are institutionalized in our society. If you haven't guessed already, this is a sort of continuation of my last entry.

The problem really is that we are forced to work for other people, rather than work for our own well being, and we allow others to gain benefit from our work. Sure we are free, well sorta. We are free to choose who we work for; we can choose which master to slave under. Unfortunately, we are forced to choose a life of squalor and homelessness and starvation OR we can choose the lesser of two evils and sell our work to someone who does not pay us the worth of our work, to their benefit. We sign contracts to work under duress. And I say, it is wrong.

And I hope, by perhaps opening the crust-filled, weary eyes of people, that they will realize what is really going on and I hope that people will start realizing it is time for a change.

And the one thing I want to leave with you for now is this: freedom is not given, it is taken.

You can only free yourself.

The System

Ok, so I have been keeping an eye on the goings on of the voting for President in November.

Now, I voted for Kerry because my guy wasn't nominated for the Democratic Party, and I certainly would not vote for the Republican Party candidate because of the poor record on every issue I hold dear.

Anyway, I have come to realize that this whole system is screwed up. Democracy only works when there is an informed and educate public deciding on their representation. And, as can plainly be seen around us, we are limited in that capacity.

Am I calling people stupid? No. Ignorant? Yes.

This ignorance has been reinforced for the past 25 years by the limited and diminishing education system in this country. Lack of funding, changing of standards and an exaggerated and supported hatred of intelligence and the intelligent.

It is a sad state when those who educate themselves are looked down upon by much of the population. Mainly because they are TAUGHT to distrust those who are smarter them OR to trust a small minority of "leaders" who tell them that they know what's best for them.

And frankly, I am sickened by it. The whole process of divide and conquer is working SO well that I hate (a strong word I know) those who propagte it throughout society.

Well, needless to say, something needs to be done.

What is it? Tell me more. (Or alternatively: get the fuck out of the country then!)

Create a community of friends and family (those who love and care about you and not necessarily blood) and work for all of your mutual benefit. It's a way to create your own society that you are an integral part of and not another drone like most of the rest of the country.

What happens when each small group of communities start to expand or find other like minded communities? Well, you agree to coexist as a community, or if you will, a federation of communities. Each independent from each other in how the community is run while together forming a federation of like-minded individuals.

If everyone decides to be a part of their own community and associate with other communities in a federation of communities, then perhaps we can create a REAL society of REAL people together. Not "leaders" telling you how you have to work, when, where, who can be associated together and all that.

I am not explaining it very well but it is akin to a balance between collectivism and individualism without an artifical hierarchy lording over anyone or any group.

But that sounds far-fetched doesn't it? Well, it is, if noone knows about it, or cares to know about it.

So what can you do? Well you learn about it, you teach others and you practice what you have learned.

There are many ways to do go about doing it, but what really matters is that you do this with people you care about and consider your family (as I said, not necessarily by blood but by love). It is the betterment and benefit of each individual AND, by mutual aid, the betterment and benefit of those in your community.

What this really boils down to is creating a society of communities within the shell of the old society that, to me, is no longer working.

Here are some websites that, if you are interested, can help educate you to what I am trying to get across:

http://www.gmu.edu/departments/economics/bcaplan/anarfaq.htm
http://william-king.www.drexel.edu/top/polemica.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism

I wish you luck if you are disgusted by the happenings in our current society and I hope, as time goes by, we will be a real part of the same community.

In a haze

Do you ever get that cool afterglow after reading a real interesting book?

You know when your eyes are a bit fatigued because you couldn't put it down and your mind races as the scenes dash across your mind and you imagine yourself inside the story. Imagining what you would do in a certain situation or how you get angry or sad or happy or whatever emotion as you fly through the pages?

No? What are you a freak?

Illiterate bastard.

Ahem.

Anyway, I am in the buzz right now and am pretty angry right now.

Why?

Cause I just finished reading part one of my friend's book and he had the audacity to ONLY send the first part! What did he think, that I wouldn't like it? He should know by now that I am the kind of freak that would like similar things and we have similar ideas about some things. Especially the subject matter.

As you may have noticed last blog that I was kinda high and very pie-in-the-sky like about friendship and all that. Well, blame his book. The subject has alot to do with connectivity and it hit home pretty nicely.

Is it perfect? No, but I have a great ability to suspend my disbelief. Except of course when spelling errors pop up. That is one of the few things that gets my ire when I am reading. Gah it is so frustrating, but luckily there weren't that many, one every 5 pages or so. But still, enough for a momentay break in the action.

Anyway, I am not going to go too much more into it at this point because I can already see my friend's hackles rising as I praise and critique his work. He probably might even send a jab my way as a comment. :)

Ok, guess I will have to quiver in dispair as I await further chapters.

*quiver*

Connectivity

What is it that draws a person to another person?

Is it outward beauty or inner fire? Or perhaps a bit of both, there are never any black and whites in the world, just an abundancy of colors. (I hate the term shades of grey because it is so humdrum).

I think it is a deep desire to garner the strength of others to replenish or to embolden one's weaknesses or faults. It is a need to feel more complete. Why does someone find that special someone? The strengths and weaknesses of the other intermesh better than most other people.

Sure, there are still shallow people where "anyone" will do. Or someone so deep where "noone" can fill that void. People settle with others because it is convenient or it satisifies a temporary need.

It is rather callous and selfish and frankly arrogant of me to consider myself so deep that noone can fill that void. But often times it feels that way. But that has been covered already. :)

Friends are a way to help fill the void, and I consider myself pretty friendly. I have a great breadth of friends and I have enough depth in some of them to satiate my desire for a more complete relationship. But again it comes down to selfishness and my desire for more, and that is why I go out. Find more and interesting people, keep my connections to those I care about and hope to find a fire out there that can light the void brightly.

Again, selfish, because it is my desire as well to light someone else's darkness. My want to light a bonfire in someone's soul and light each other's paths toward a togetherness not known before.

Wow, that's pie-in-the-sky like. But still something worth pursuing!

Speaking of friends, I'd like to give a little shout out to other friend's who fill some of my void. (And no not like that heh).

http://anarchyzen.blogspot.com
http://dehuman8.blogspot.com

I'd give you more info but I would rather their words speak for themselves. :)

Just remember to speak your truths and let those you care about know that you do.

J and I, I care about you and am glad to call you friends. :)

Enough gushing of love, time for a pretzel!

Gift Card

So I get back to work today after a week long holiday and I find an envelope on my desk from my boss's boss's boss. Basically he's the Department head. Anyway, I open it up and low and behold I find a card in it, though not completely closed.

Great! How thoughtful! A christmas card with a little sumthin sumthin inside. Woot, go me!

Ahem.

Now, I am glad to be acknowledged but this is the interesting part. Inside I find a gift card to a mall. Not THE mall, but a mall. It is a little accordian green packet that has about 20 panels of legalise (both sides) on how to redeem, what you can redeem for, who can redeem, what can you redeem when the participating mall (herein "mall") says you can redeem on which merchandise (herein "product or service") it feels like discounting with said gift card (herein "card"). Gah!

Anyway, for my $15 I have to spend 30 minutes of work time to read it (which I didn't actually do, who reads those things anwyays?). Needless to say my time is valuable, supposedly, so it would be defeating the purpose of actually reading it than to actually just use it.

Did I mention that it was lime green colored paper?

Anyway, thanks for the gift card boss boss boss.

Department of Redundancy Department

We are once again into a new year, a year that we celebrate for its newness. A year like the last one only barely just begun. A year the same yet different in all but one way.

Ick, that sounded redundant!

The problem with celebrating a new year is that nothing really changes does it? Sure, a little ball drops in Times Square with Dick Clark...oops Regis Philbin...and all that really happens is the calendar changes to a rehash of the last one. Though this year is not a leap year. Some people don't get a birthday, sorry, no presents for you.

It's also the time of year for making resolutions, well not really resolutions but more pathetic attempts to try to change the bad things about you but have little or no resolve to follow through. So I think a better word for those things are illusions. Things that we pretend to want to change but really want to keep or can't really get rid of.

Sure, some are better at disillusioning than others but really, the resolve lasts as long as it is convenient.

So my illusion is that I want to be a better person. Sure I can try, but the only thing that really happens is that I will be the same only pretending to be different. So externally I am "better" when in fact I covered the shit core with more whipped cream and chocolate jimmies. Yum!

Interestingly, if you knew me in person, my blog is not really like me at all. :) I sound so negative.

Ah well, maybe someday I might actually care to put that through but am using this as a sort of defense mechanism than as a free flow of my inner thoughts. :)

Perhaps I should make that my illusion. (*cough* good luck with that *cough*)