There is a story to this, I will explain it later. :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Goth Fly a Kite 2005 (in SC)
So I got back from SC early early this morning.
What the hell am I doing up so early you ask?
Just thought I would add some pics to flickr.com and throw some up.
Here is me on Sunday for Goth Fly A Kite 2005 via an offsite location in Folly Beach, South Carolina.
Yes, I was on vacation. No, I found out AFTER I made my plans about the timing of the event. Yes, I am mad as hell. No, not really.
Here are the pics for all the folks that were at the real Goth Fly a Kite event: http://www.lorelei.ws/albums/gfak2005/
Wish you were all down there and/or I was up here.
*looks into translocation for the solution*
What the hell am I doing up so early you ask?
Just thought I would add some pics to flickr.com and throw some up.
Here is me on Sunday for Goth Fly A Kite 2005 via an offsite location in Folly Beach, South Carolina.
Yes, I was on vacation. No, I found out AFTER I made my plans about the timing of the event. Yes, I am mad as hell. No, not really.
Here are the pics for all the folks that were at the real Goth Fly a Kite event: http://www.lorelei.ws/albums/gfak2005/
Wish you were all down there and/or I was up here.
*looks into translocation for the solution*
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Blue Yonder
Ok, not really blue yonder, more like black overthere or something. :)
I am headed out to South Carolina tomorrow afternoon and I doubt I will get a chance to write another post before I come back on June 1st.
I am sure you will all miss me terribly. *rolls eyes*
Ok, you may miss me IRL some but who knows about my blog entries.
*HINT*
I am trying to get people to praise me and say they will miss me, so chop chop! ;)
*END HINT*
Anyway, I am looking forward to the long drive and the fun antics on the highway. It is like my favoritest thing to do. Well, second favorite, next to banging my head off the pavement after slipping on ice.
I did that once a decade ago. As my friends would call it, I was a "concussed fuck".
Enough rambling, wish me a safe trip and I will miss those who are not coming and safe trips to those who will be. :)
See you in Myrtle Beach!
Well for two days and then...
See you in Folly Beach!
*waves sunscreen and alcohol at everyone*
I am headed out to South Carolina tomorrow afternoon and I doubt I will get a chance to write another post before I come back on June 1st.
I am sure you will all miss me terribly. *rolls eyes*
Ok, you may miss me IRL some but who knows about my blog entries.
*HINT*
I am trying to get people to praise me and say they will miss me, so chop chop! ;)
*END HINT*
Anyway, I am looking forward to the long drive and the fun antics on the highway. It is like my favoritest thing to do. Well, second favorite, next to banging my head off the pavement after slipping on ice.
I did that once a decade ago. As my friends would call it, I was a "concussed fuck".
Enough rambling, wish me a safe trip and I will miss those who are not coming and safe trips to those who will be. :)
See you in Myrtle Beach!
Well for two days and then...
See you in Folly Beach!
*waves sunscreen and alcohol at everyone*
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Working out
So I have been working out a lot more recently. I have the urge to get back into lifting.
Now I wasn't like a competitive body builder or anything but I did lift and got kinda big, but mostly I went for endurance training.
This time I am going for mass.
Not like Mr Universe-can't-move-my-body kind, but basically I am going for lots of muscle so I can burn off the rest of the guilt/self-loathing fat that I built up over the years.
Basically I am going for my main muscle groups like chest, arms, shoulders, and legs. So I go for like 20 miles on the bike (cause it has been fucking raining too much around here) and then doing big weights on bench press and shoulder pulls. I have also been working on my torso (belly) by doing inclined situps.
Essentially I am just doing as much mass as I can do with 10 reps for 3 sets or as long as I can stand (so to speak) on the bike.
All the other muscles, the secondaries as I call them, will catch up as needed to compensate.
Plus I don't want to be top heavy like some people are, so doing the bike will help with keeping my legs big, since they already started big anyways.
Why am I talking about this? Cause I want to. Fuck off. :)
I am not going to change my routine much, just after work spend an hour in the gym a couple times a week, still go out dancing and biking on the weekend when the weather doesn't suck. Plus I took martial arts for a few years so I want to retain my flexibility, agility, and quickness.
Needless to say, I am having fun doing it as long as my iPod stays powered. :)
Wish me luck!
Now I wasn't like a competitive body builder or anything but I did lift and got kinda big, but mostly I went for endurance training.
This time I am going for mass.
Not like Mr Universe-can't-move-my-body kind, but basically I am going for lots of muscle so I can burn off the rest of the guilt/self-loathing fat that I built up over the years.
Basically I am going for my main muscle groups like chest, arms, shoulders, and legs. So I go for like 20 miles on the bike (cause it has been fucking raining too much around here) and then doing big weights on bench press and shoulder pulls. I have also been working on my torso (belly) by doing inclined situps.
Essentially I am just doing as much mass as I can do with 10 reps for 3 sets or as long as I can stand (so to speak) on the bike.
All the other muscles, the secondaries as I call them, will catch up as needed to compensate.
Plus I don't want to be top heavy like some people are, so doing the bike will help with keeping my legs big, since they already started big anyways.
Why am I talking about this? Cause I want to. Fuck off. :)
I am not going to change my routine much, just after work spend an hour in the gym a couple times a week, still go out dancing and biking on the weekend when the weather doesn't suck. Plus I took martial arts for a few years so I want to retain my flexibility, agility, and quickness.
Needless to say, I am having fun doing it as long as my iPod stays powered. :)
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Empath
You know it sucks sometimes having empathy. Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do to comfort someone except through words. And I am not great at that.
When not in the presence of someone in pain or feeling bad, I find it difficult to express my sympathy or to try to alleviate their pain through humor or through compassion. I am a very passionate person and being limited by my media is painful.
My friend EmGee is going through some issues and all I can convey is "hang in there" or "try not to think about it" or "don't worry it is not as bad as you think", etc.
And my friend shellrocks was in a car accident this weekend and I have not even been able to figure out what to say over this terrible medium (the internet).
All I can hope to convey is that I care about them, I think about them when not online, and I hope they are doing alright and hope they get better soon.
I am also a touchy person so I would usually give my energy to them through hugs.
So virtual hugs are all I got, but I will give every effort to give energies through the air or over the net.
*hugs*
Hope that helps... :/
When not in the presence of someone in pain or feeling bad, I find it difficult to express my sympathy or to try to alleviate their pain through humor or through compassion. I am a very passionate person and being limited by my media is painful.
My friend EmGee is going through some issues and all I can convey is "hang in there" or "try not to think about it" or "don't worry it is not as bad as you think", etc.
And my friend shellrocks was in a car accident this weekend and I have not even been able to figure out what to say over this terrible medium (the internet).
All I can hope to convey is that I care about them, I think about them when not online, and I hope they are doing alright and hope they get better soon.
I am also a touchy person so I would usually give my energy to them through hugs.
So virtual hugs are all I got, but I will give every effort to give energies through the air or over the net.
*hugs*
Hope that helps... :/
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Weekend Mania
So let me caveat this post with saying: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Ok, so I went to the Nine Inch Nails and Dresden Dolls show on Friday night. Above and beyond the concert (DD was great NIN was too bright and was all about the show and not the music), a group of us..."The 13" if you will...had fun during the rest of the day too.
Anyway, from the beginning, we ended up caravaning down with 3 vehicles through Maine to Boston where we ended up at the Hyatt in Cambridge. Very cool looking place. Needless to say, the only time I saw this place was when I checked in and checked out. :)
Anyway, our schedule was such that we would head over to the Museum of Science at around 4, go on a Duck tour thanks to our friend Jet Black (who you should go on a tour with btw!). It ended up being 11 of us (2 of us went to the wrong Hyatt *cough*) in this Salmon (not Pink) colored Duck and took a tour of the Charles, well part of the Charles. The fun thing was is that we ALL were wearing our goth/black gear on the tour because we would not be able to go back to the hotel before the concert or going out after.
In any event, we got lots of looks, especially when we got dropped off at our destination, a quaint little Italian restaurant we had reservations for (well 8 had reservations and then it changed to 13, thanks mgb :) ). The food was excellent, the staff was pleasant but forgetful and fun was had by all.
Next was the concert. The Orpheum was packed and it was a great venue, if bad for the legs. In other words, anyone taller than 5 feet would be extremely uncomfortable. Needless to say, the Dresden Dolls played wonderfully, as usual, and I was totally into the show.
Then NIN came out, and they played stuff from their new album, which is not very good IMHO. Anyway, the only time I was in a bad mood was during the NIN part of the show. If they started with something I really liked, I might have been more into it but it really got me thinking that this show was all show and no substance. Too much lighting and flashing and crap and not enough "just play the fucking song so we can enjoy it".
That's a rant for another time. I think Trent lost his love for the music and was doing things for his enormous paycheck. Moving on.
So we all meet up outside, according to some plan I was not privy to, and we head over to Manray.
This was my first experience at Manray and it was a lot of fun. Three different kinds of bars in one. I was more into the dark/goth side then the techno/industrial side vs what I call the "gay side". :) Not sure what the theme was but lots of trans and mostly naked men. Not really my thing. I prefer the mostly named women. :)
Anyway, I drank lots of Guinness (or is it Guinnei?). And got a bit toasty. I did get to go on the dance floor and had some fun there in between the "Mexican wrestling" shows. Definitely not a place for the timid or shy. Unless you like that sort of thing. :)
So mgb's friend/co-worker was at Manray after the call out a few days ago on her blog. Anyway, some people were way tired and others were not, I was not, just a bit drunk. :)
We headed over to an after-hours party where there was more drinking. This is the part where I made the mistake of going for hard liquor after all my beer.
Anyway, had some fun. Had enough fun that the Boston PD showed up and had us leave. :) It really wasn't that loud IMO but hey, some people suck.
They waited for everyone to leave. Which was weird to me but I guess we would have just started up again otherwise. :) So the few of us remaining of "The 13" walked down the street a little bit and stopped. The humorous thing about that was the cops saw us and said, "Go all the way down the street" or something to that effect and we all grinned and said, "yup, you caught us, we're moving on."
Once we got moving again we watched as the cop turned around the corner and then we stopped again. :)
Anyway (I have been using that segue too much I know), we end up going to mgb's apt and crashing. I lost track of time after about 5am but I did see the light of day before I fell asleep/passed out.
In any event (see a new segue), I only got about 4 hours sleep. Then I had to check out of the hotel, get people together, eat something, and head back to Maine.
We got home at around 5pm and I had to take a nap (thanks for the ride stoikangel! :) ). Jaded's birthday (aka Jet) was Saturday, so we went over to Meritage at 9pm and had some wine. Then we headed out to Asylum and danced. Well I played pool, drank some Magner's, had some food (I only ate breakfast), talked, and danced. I had a lot of fun.
I closed the Asylum. Everyone else didn't make it. Tallon was the closest, he left after last call but before the music died.
Ok, I think I made this blog way too long for anyone's casual perusal but I had fun needless to say.
If you went, say so and lemme know if I forgot anything hehe.
*begins "Day of rest"*
Ok, so I went to the Nine Inch Nails and Dresden Dolls show on Friday night. Above and beyond the concert (DD was great NIN was too bright and was all about the show and not the music), a group of us..."The 13" if you will...had fun during the rest of the day too.
Anyway, from the beginning, we ended up caravaning down with 3 vehicles through Maine to Boston where we ended up at the Hyatt in Cambridge. Very cool looking place. Needless to say, the only time I saw this place was when I checked in and checked out. :)
Anyway, our schedule was such that we would head over to the Museum of Science at around 4, go on a Duck tour thanks to our friend Jet Black (who you should go on a tour with btw!). It ended up being 11 of us (2 of us went to the wrong Hyatt *cough*) in this Salmon (not Pink) colored Duck and took a tour of the Charles, well part of the Charles. The fun thing was is that we ALL were wearing our goth/black gear on the tour because we would not be able to go back to the hotel before the concert or going out after.
In any event, we got lots of looks, especially when we got dropped off at our destination, a quaint little Italian restaurant we had reservations for (well 8 had reservations and then it changed to 13, thanks mgb :) ). The food was excellent, the staff was pleasant but forgetful and fun was had by all.
Next was the concert. The Orpheum was packed and it was a great venue, if bad for the legs. In other words, anyone taller than 5 feet would be extremely uncomfortable. Needless to say, the Dresden Dolls played wonderfully, as usual, and I was totally into the show.
Then NIN came out, and they played stuff from their new album, which is not very good IMHO. Anyway, the only time I was in a bad mood was during the NIN part of the show. If they started with something I really liked, I might have been more into it but it really got me thinking that this show was all show and no substance. Too much lighting and flashing and crap and not enough "just play the fucking song so we can enjoy it".
That's a rant for another time. I think Trent lost his love for the music and was doing things for his enormous paycheck. Moving on.
So we all meet up outside, according to some plan I was not privy to, and we head over to Manray.
This was my first experience at Manray and it was a lot of fun. Three different kinds of bars in one. I was more into the dark/goth side then the techno/industrial side vs what I call the "gay side". :) Not sure what the theme was but lots of trans and mostly naked men. Not really my thing. I prefer the mostly named women. :)
Anyway, I drank lots of Guinness (or is it Guinnei?). And got a bit toasty. I did get to go on the dance floor and had some fun there in between the "Mexican wrestling" shows. Definitely not a place for the timid or shy. Unless you like that sort of thing. :)
So mgb's friend/co-worker was at Manray after the call out a few days ago on her blog. Anyway, some people were way tired and others were not, I was not, just a bit drunk. :)
We headed over to an after-hours party where there was more drinking. This is the part where I made the mistake of going for hard liquor after all my beer.
Anyway, had some fun. Had enough fun that the Boston PD showed up and had us leave. :) It really wasn't that loud IMO but hey, some people suck.
They waited for everyone to leave. Which was weird to me but I guess we would have just started up again otherwise. :) So the few of us remaining of "The 13" walked down the street a little bit and stopped. The humorous thing about that was the cops saw us and said, "Go all the way down the street" or something to that effect and we all grinned and said, "yup, you caught us, we're moving on."
Once we got moving again we watched as the cop turned around the corner and then we stopped again. :)
Anyway (I have been using that segue too much I know), we end up going to mgb's apt and crashing. I lost track of time after about 5am but I did see the light of day before I fell asleep/passed out.
In any event (see a new segue), I only got about 4 hours sleep. Then I had to check out of the hotel, get people together, eat something, and head back to Maine.
We got home at around 5pm and I had to take a nap (thanks for the ride stoikangel! :) ). Jaded's birthday (aka Jet) was Saturday, so we went over to Meritage at 9pm and had some wine. Then we headed out to Asylum and danced. Well I played pool, drank some Magner's, had some food (I only ate breakfast), talked, and danced. I had a lot of fun.
I closed the Asylum. Everyone else didn't make it. Tallon was the closest, he left after last call but before the music died.
Ok, I think I made this blog way too long for anyone's casual perusal but I had fun needless to say.
If you went, say so and lemme know if I forgot anything hehe.
*begins "Day of rest"*
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Stress
I have noticed there are a lot of people in this world that get stressed out. Stressed out a lot in fact.
To me, stress is something that is self-inflicted. If you have high expectations or high expectations are normally put on you then stress can occur.
See, the thing is, I don't stress about much. I would be remiss in saying I no longer stress about women any more, because I clearly do sometimes, but that's neither here nor there.
The main way to not get stressed out is to keep it in perspective. When I am at work, I concentrate on work and what is happening there, I don't worry about what people want from me or what they expect from me. I can only do my best, and that is usually far superior than what they expect.
Now I know that is not easy for everyone to deal with and I am not trying to gloat or anything. But it reminds me of a lesson from Star Trek.
*GEEK ALERT*
When a difficult situation happens to the Enterprise, Kirk would call to the engine room to get Scotty to get them out of there ASAP. Scotty would give estimates that were clearly larger than was necessary for him. So Scotty would somehow get things done significantly sooner than his estimation. And he comes out the hero.
Can you see where I am going?
If you let EVERYONE know what your absolute maximum potential and abilities are, then you are setting yourself up for failure and stress. They will come to expect the maximum you have all the time.
It is the same in life, and I have to keep remembering that when dealing with people.
I am a fucking awesome person but I can't let all of that show to everyone, otherwise they will expect me to be that way all the time and frankly I like to lay low once in a while.
That happened last week and talking about this reminded me of it.
*SIDE TRACK*
I was at craft night last Wednesday and I was in a "downtime" kind of mood. Well, it was perceived like I was feeling down or sad or something. I had to keep explaining that I was fine and nothing was wrong. In fact, nothing was wrong. It was that I had allowed more of myself to come out than I should.
So this leads to me tempering myself. Why I do it is twofold. One, most people can't handle it. And those that can are my friends. And the other is to allow me to "turn-off" myself and not be perceived as being sad or down or something.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should be on all the time. That way I can weed out the chaff and it also will allow me to know who my real friends are if they are concerned if I am "down".
Anyway, back to stress heh.
Get over yourself!
You can't control the unreasonable expectations of others. All you can do is your best or what is perceived as your best and call it good. No need to worry about anything. Unless you are in mortal danger or you are going to be immediately fired if you miss by even a little bit from schedule then you will be fine.
Did that help anyone?
Guess I am not that great at explaining how I do it.
Oh well. :)
To me, stress is something that is self-inflicted. If you have high expectations or high expectations are normally put on you then stress can occur.
See, the thing is, I don't stress about much. I would be remiss in saying I no longer stress about women any more, because I clearly do sometimes, but that's neither here nor there.
The main way to not get stressed out is to keep it in perspective. When I am at work, I concentrate on work and what is happening there, I don't worry about what people want from me or what they expect from me. I can only do my best, and that is usually far superior than what they expect.
Now I know that is not easy for everyone to deal with and I am not trying to gloat or anything. But it reminds me of a lesson from Star Trek.
*GEEK ALERT*
When a difficult situation happens to the Enterprise, Kirk would call to the engine room to get Scotty to get them out of there ASAP. Scotty would give estimates that were clearly larger than was necessary for him. So Scotty would somehow get things done significantly sooner than his estimation. And he comes out the hero.
Can you see where I am going?
If you let EVERYONE know what your absolute maximum potential and abilities are, then you are setting yourself up for failure and stress. They will come to expect the maximum you have all the time.
It is the same in life, and I have to keep remembering that when dealing with people.
I am a fucking awesome person but I can't let all of that show to everyone, otherwise they will expect me to be that way all the time and frankly I like to lay low once in a while.
That happened last week and talking about this reminded me of it.
*SIDE TRACK*
I was at craft night last Wednesday and I was in a "downtime" kind of mood. Well, it was perceived like I was feeling down or sad or something. I had to keep explaining that I was fine and nothing was wrong. In fact, nothing was wrong. It was that I had allowed more of myself to come out than I should.
So this leads to me tempering myself. Why I do it is twofold. One, most people can't handle it. And those that can are my friends. And the other is to allow me to "turn-off" myself and not be perceived as being sad or down or something.
Now that I think about it, maybe I should be on all the time. That way I can weed out the chaff and it also will allow me to know who my real friends are if they are concerned if I am "down".
Anyway, back to stress heh.
Get over yourself!
You can't control the unreasonable expectations of others. All you can do is your best or what is perceived as your best and call it good. No need to worry about anything. Unless you are in mortal danger or you are going to be immediately fired if you miss by even a little bit from schedule then you will be fine.
Did that help anyone?
Guess I am not that great at explaining how I do it.
Oh well. :)
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Pissed off (again)
Ok, once again I am here to talk about shit that pisses me off.
You would think there were better things for me to do, like work. But I would tell you: not so fast!
I hate politics. It is one of those things that I never got into or cared to know about for a very long time. They are all the same anyways. They are going to take our money and do whatever the people who paid them to get them there wants them to. Simple, I scratch your back, you fuck over the rest of the population for me.
Anyway, so I figured out why shit in Iraq is going so poorly.
Intent.
The cold war is over and America needs a new global enemy to fight. So terrorism is it. And a perpetual war is all that is needed.
Sure the 9/11 made the paradigm shift easier but Iraq was going to happen the moment Bush got appointed to office.
So I found out recently that the US military budget was going to be equal to the rest of the world's military budget combined. (Too lazy to find it again but it can be found).
And it is ever increasing.
So why do I care? I am not going to be sent over there to fight for Mr. Bush. There is no draft so none of my young friends are going to go. And the ones I know in the military made the poor choice to join the military in the first place, so I can only hope they don't go.
Disclaimer: I don't want ANYONE to die EVER except in old age surrounded on their death bed by friends and family and praising their good deeds in this life.
THAT is why I care.
I believe in the basic goodness of people and deplorable situations or mental instability make people turn to crime and corruption.
If people stopped being so obsessed with control, gained by either mental instability or mental manipulation or both, then shitty things wouldn't happen to people and we could learn to accept our differences rather than hate them.
All I know is that I will not kill anyone else unless they threaten myself, my friends, or my family, and it is beginning to get to that point and it pisses me off that it is.
You would think there were better things for me to do, like work. But I would tell you: not so fast!
I hate politics. It is one of those things that I never got into or cared to know about for a very long time. They are all the same anyways. They are going to take our money and do whatever the people who paid them to get them there wants them to. Simple, I scratch your back, you fuck over the rest of the population for me.
Anyway, so I figured out why shit in Iraq is going so poorly.
Intent.
The cold war is over and America needs a new global enemy to fight. So terrorism is it. And a perpetual war is all that is needed.
Sure the 9/11 made the paradigm shift easier but Iraq was going to happen the moment Bush got appointed to office.
So I found out recently that the US military budget was going to be equal to the rest of the world's military budget combined. (Too lazy to find it again but it can be found).
And it is ever increasing.
So why do I care? I am not going to be sent over there to fight for Mr. Bush. There is no draft so none of my young friends are going to go. And the ones I know in the military made the poor choice to join the military in the first place, so I can only hope they don't go.
Disclaimer: I don't want ANYONE to die EVER except in old age surrounded on their death bed by friends and family and praising their good deeds in this life.
THAT is why I care.
I believe in the basic goodness of people and deplorable situations or mental instability make people turn to crime and corruption.
If people stopped being so obsessed with control, gained by either mental instability or mental manipulation or both, then shitty things wouldn't happen to people and we could learn to accept our differences rather than hate them.
All I know is that I will not kill anyone else unless they threaten myself, my friends, or my family, and it is beginning to get to that point and it pisses me off that it is.
Monday, May 09, 2005
FINE
I hate how my voice sounds on the blog after rereading some of my posts.
It seems that I am FINE. Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.
So the truth is, I am all those things at one time or another only in small doses. The reason I blog is to get those ideas out of my head so I can continue to be normal-happy-fun me. And I guess it is working.
Heck, even reading this post it sounds like I am whining about sounding whiney. Gah!
Anyway, please read my blog as a way for me to vent rather then who I really am. Then again, if you know me in "Real Life" then you know I am these things rarely.
Time for happy-fun-guy to get back to work. :)
It seems that I am FINE. Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.
So the truth is, I am all those things at one time or another only in small doses. The reason I blog is to get those ideas out of my head so I can continue to be normal-happy-fun me. And I guess it is working.
Heck, even reading this post it sounds like I am whining about sounding whiney. Gah!
Anyway, please read my blog as a way for me to vent rather then who I really am. Then again, if you know me in "Real Life" then you know I am these things rarely.
Time for happy-fun-guy to get back to work. :)
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Muse pastels
Ok, so here is my last post for the night.
Here are two of my pastels that I have made so far.
Judge how you will but I enjoy making them. :)
Flirting
Hmm, looks like I am in the talking mood.
It just seems to me that I am doing things wrong.
I am either trying too hard on one person or am not trying hard enough in general.
Ok, if you read my last post it is a poem about a girl. I know woman, you know what I meant!
Anyway, I think I fucked things up on Thursday when I thought she had a boyfriend and I danced with her but also was paying attention to her friend too. The problem is that had I known she wasn't dating anyone I would have only danced with her. Or at least mostly.
Now, that's the problem that I have to deal with.
As some of you know, I am a flirt.
If I flirt like I like to flirt then I definitely could get in trouble with boyfriends. I am not a complete ass but I am sometimes overly friendly. If they don't want me to flirt then they just say so and I am fine with that.
The other thing I could do is what I have been doing which is temper myself. Which is all well and good and won't get me in trouble, but it also put me in this shitty position.
Now this probably makes no difference whatsoever since I am probably getting my hopes up about her but hey, I have to do something right?
Anyway, I should just do my thing, fuck everyone else, and call it a day. I definitely do NOT want to go back to the way I was and I guess this is just another step in the right direction.
And yes I still have my moral rule of not doing anything with anyone else's girlfriend or wife so no fears my friends! :)
It just seems to me that I am doing things wrong.
I am either trying too hard on one person or am not trying hard enough in general.
Ok, if you read my last post it is a poem about a girl. I know woman, you know what I meant!
Anyway, I think I fucked things up on Thursday when I thought she had a boyfriend and I danced with her but also was paying attention to her friend too. The problem is that had I known she wasn't dating anyone I would have only danced with her. Or at least mostly.
Now, that's the problem that I have to deal with.
As some of you know, I am a flirt.
If I flirt like I like to flirt then I definitely could get in trouble with boyfriends. I am not a complete ass but I am sometimes overly friendly. If they don't want me to flirt then they just say so and I am fine with that.
The other thing I could do is what I have been doing which is temper myself. Which is all well and good and won't get me in trouble, but it also put me in this shitty position.
Now this probably makes no difference whatsoever since I am probably getting my hopes up about her but hey, I have to do something right?
Anyway, I should just do my thing, fuck everyone else, and call it a day. I definitely do NOT want to go back to the way I was and I guess this is just another step in the right direction.
And yes I still have my moral rule of not doing anything with anyone else's girlfriend or wife so no fears my friends! :)
A third
A third
Struck by three
Another time I am again
Fallen.
To what ends do I find myself
Always in search of another
Always to find her
Yet always not to find love
Is it that I am not to have love
In this life
Or is it that I seek to find love
From the wrong women?
The fear I have
Is not that I have not found love
It is that I will not know it
When it finds me
Will I look askance
At the moment it is to happen
Yet look again and find it gone?
Have I lost the one chance I had
Thinking she loved another
When in fact it was I?
It is that and that alone
Which brings me to this point
My utter failure to know
And to see the love of me
From someone I would love.
Please that it is not true
And if it were
Then tell me not
For it is the last
That I would want known.
Has my third charm gone by
Like the wind in the trees
Never to be blown again?
Or will it find itself once more
Able to give breath
Where love needs air?
Struck by three
Another time I am again
Fallen.
To what ends do I find myself
Always in search of another
Always to find her
Yet always not to find love
Is it that I am not to have love
In this life
Or is it that I seek to find love
From the wrong women?
The fear I have
Is not that I have not found love
It is that I will not know it
When it finds me
Will I look askance
At the moment it is to happen
Yet look again and find it gone?
Have I lost the one chance I had
Thinking she loved another
When in fact it was I?
It is that and that alone
Which brings me to this point
My utter failure to know
And to see the love of me
From someone I would love.
Please that it is not true
And if it were
Then tell me not
For it is the last
That I would want known.
Has my third charm gone by
Like the wind in the trees
Never to be blown again?
Or will it find itself once more
Able to give breath
Where love needs air?
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Wrong side of the morning
I woke up on the wrong side of the morning this morning.
I had to get up at 5am! ICK!
I went up to Orono to a graduation.
Sure it was fun and all and Stephen King was the commencement speaker but damn that is too early to be awake.
I am not sure how long I can stay up for dancing and all that. :)
I guess I will find a way. heh
Anyway, I have a lot of beautiful friends and I think I will post some picks of them at some point. It is a definite plus to have good looking people around. Maybe I can get one to sleep with me. ;)
*cough*
Oh was that out loud?
I had to get up at 5am! ICK!
I went up to Orono to a graduation.
Sure it was fun and all and Stephen King was the commencement speaker but damn that is too early to be awake.
I am not sure how long I can stay up for dancing and all that. :)
I guess I will find a way. heh
Anyway, I have a lot of beautiful friends and I think I will post some picks of them at some point. It is a definite plus to have good looking people around. Maybe I can get one to sleep with me. ;)
*cough*
Oh was that out loud?
Friday, May 06, 2005
Achy and the Lapse
After working out last night and then dancing for a few hours I am a bit achy this morning.
I did about 10 miles on the bike and did my chest, back and arms after. I usually don't go for mass like I used to but I decided to try out and see how much I could lift.
I am a bit disappointed that I can only do 150. :/
Ah well, it will come back to me the more I workout.
In any event, my legs feel fine even though I did a lot with them yesterday.
Generally I have found that my legs are the strongest part of my body so I am able to abuse them pretty much how I want to. :)
Plus it is part of my process of getting rid of all my extra junk that I have accrued abusing myself over the past decade.
Now that I am all about me, I need to get at it.
Oh, and I had a lapse in the me-ness I have had. I keep trying to temper myself and be "nice". Of course I am nice, and good and pure and... oh wait not pure. Anyway, so I like to flirt but I temper myself so as to respect the relationships of other people. Well, I do that as a courtesy. It bit me in the ass last night when I found out that I was tempering myself because of a phantom relationship. Gah!
I should just say fuck it and be myself. Flirt because I want to and not some preconceived notion of who is dating who, or if they are dating anyone!
Anyway, I am just gonna be myself and call it good. If I get in trouble, then I do. :) I am not going to be an ass-jerk-face but I am going to be assertive.
Ok, now I am rambling. :)
I did about 10 miles on the bike and did my chest, back and arms after. I usually don't go for mass like I used to but I decided to try out and see how much I could lift.
I am a bit disappointed that I can only do 150. :/
Ah well, it will come back to me the more I workout.
In any event, my legs feel fine even though I did a lot with them yesterday.
Generally I have found that my legs are the strongest part of my body so I am able to abuse them pretty much how I want to. :)
Plus it is part of my process of getting rid of all my extra junk that I have accrued abusing myself over the past decade.
Now that I am all about me, I need to get at it.
Oh, and I had a lapse in the me-ness I have had. I keep trying to temper myself and be "nice". Of course I am nice, and good and pure and... oh wait not pure. Anyway, so I like to flirt but I temper myself so as to respect the relationships of other people. Well, I do that as a courtesy. It bit me in the ass last night when I found out that I was tempering myself because of a phantom relationship. Gah!
I should just say fuck it and be myself. Flirt because I want to and not some preconceived notion of who is dating who, or if they are dating anyone!
Anyway, I am just gonna be myself and call it good. If I get in trouble, then I do. :) I am not going to be an ass-jerk-face but I am going to be assertive.
Ok, now I am rambling. :)
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Two things: Indifference and Out From Under Cover
Ok, first off let's talk about indifference.
I am new to a group of friends (some who incidentally read my blog) and I find most of them great and fun to hang out with. Unfortunately there is one that I am not very compatible with.
It's not like he is a bad person or that I dislike him, but we have very little in common. We don't talk about anything when no one else is around.
I think we tolerate each others' presence because our mutual friends like each of us. I just don't see what they see.
And I think that is alright. I don't have to be friends with everyone. There are people who do not find me interesting or engaging or fun to hang out with, and the same is true for me too.
Ah well, just thought I needed to say that.
Anyway, the other thing is that at work I am being pushed into the lead of a project that is really quite aggressive for algorithm development. We are hoping that, given people do their jobs correctly [mistake], we will get it finished in time for validation for release at the end of the year.
So for the better part of 7 years I have been behind the scenes getting my job done well and on time with little to no exposure to the corporate hypocrisy around me.
That is about to come to an end.
And I find it annoying.
I have a guaranteed position in this company because I know most of the smartest people in this company and I am able to fit myself into their projects. They WANT me in their projects so it works out just fine.
Now I am going to be exposed for my "betterment" in the company so I can make "progress" up the corporate "ladder".
\/\/ Whatever.
I make a good amount of money in this job (for Maine) and am living comfortably. I go out when I want, I have a nice apartment, I have a great circle of friends who I can help out if they need it, I can take vacations when I want (mostly), and I can save some away for emergencies (or pleasures).
By exposing myself (not like that you freaks!), I am potentially allowing others to overscrutinize what I do and be pinned down to what they expect from a corporate lackey.
Grumble.
At least this project looks interesting.
Ok, am off to do some "work".
I am new to a group of friends (some who incidentally read my blog) and I find most of them great and fun to hang out with. Unfortunately there is one that I am not very compatible with.
It's not like he is a bad person or that I dislike him, but we have very little in common. We don't talk about anything when no one else is around.
I think we tolerate each others' presence because our mutual friends like each of us. I just don't see what they see.
And I think that is alright. I don't have to be friends with everyone. There are people who do not find me interesting or engaging or fun to hang out with, and the same is true for me too.
Ah well, just thought I needed to say that.
Anyway, the other thing is that at work I am being pushed into the lead of a project that is really quite aggressive for algorithm development. We are hoping that, given people do their jobs correctly [mistake], we will get it finished in time for validation for release at the end of the year.
So for the better part of 7 years I have been behind the scenes getting my job done well and on time with little to no exposure to the corporate hypocrisy around me.
That is about to come to an end.
And I find it annoying.
I have a guaranteed position in this company because I know most of the smartest people in this company and I am able to fit myself into their projects. They WANT me in their projects so it works out just fine.
Now I am going to be exposed for my "betterment" in the company so I can make "progress" up the corporate "ladder".
\/\/ Whatever.
I make a good amount of money in this job (for Maine) and am living comfortably. I go out when I want, I have a nice apartment, I have a great circle of friends who I can help out if they need it, I can take vacations when I want (mostly), and I can save some away for emergencies (or pleasures).
By exposing myself (not like that you freaks!), I am potentially allowing others to overscrutinize what I do and be pinned down to what they expect from a corporate lackey.
Grumble.
At least this project looks interesting.
Ok, am off to do some "work".
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Pastels
So I created my first piece of art last night in many years, maybe even over a decade.
I had an urge to do something other than going out or playing on the computer. So I took my newly formed pastel collection and a small 9x14" paper and started to color.
Now I haven't used pastels in a while so getting used to the medium again was interesting. I started with just making some motions of ideas and putting them to paper. It soon began to look not right.
I was missing something with this medium that I used to have.
Then I remembered:
Smudge!
I am more of an impressionist then anything concrete so smudging of colors makes things work for me. Instead of having incomplete sorta lines I ended up with swirls and waves of color. Sure, I went a little overboard on this one and had lots of colors that didn't quite match.
Needless to say it looks like ass! :)
I also began my first of a long series of muse art.
Basically my muse has been pestering me for so long to do something with art again that she is now going to be a part of many of my upcoming adventures with pastels.
I already have ideas for the big pictures I am planning but have to sit down and actualize them. I also plan to do them over multiple sittings because I won't be able to dedicate days of my time in a row to complete them.
Then again, who knows, maybe I will. :)
P.S. I am NOT going to post it because it is an immature piece in my opinion. In other words, I was working on process and not results. Unless pestered enough of course heh.
I had an urge to do something other than going out or playing on the computer. So I took my newly formed pastel collection and a small 9x14" paper and started to color.
Now I haven't used pastels in a while so getting used to the medium again was interesting. I started with just making some motions of ideas and putting them to paper. It soon began to look not right.
I was missing something with this medium that I used to have.
Then I remembered:
Smudge!
I am more of an impressionist then anything concrete so smudging of colors makes things work for me. Instead of having incomplete sorta lines I ended up with swirls and waves of color. Sure, I went a little overboard on this one and had lots of colors that didn't quite match.
Needless to say it looks like ass! :)
I also began my first of a long series of muse art.
Basically my muse has been pestering me for so long to do something with art again that she is now going to be a part of many of my upcoming adventures with pastels.
I already have ideas for the big pictures I am planning but have to sit down and actualize them. I also plan to do them over multiple sittings because I won't be able to dedicate days of my time in a row to complete them.
Then again, who knows, maybe I will. :)
P.S. I am NOT going to post it because it is an immature piece in my opinion. In other words, I was working on process and not results. Unless pestered enough of course heh.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Excuses
So, I have been wondering what sort of excuses I could come up with for not writing as often as I have in the past.
Here are a few:
Too tired.
Too busy.
I have been going out so much that I haven't had time.
No one reads my blog anyways, so why write as much.
I have found other things to do, like work.
I'll read yours if you read mine.
Mercury is retrograde so it is a bad time for communication.
My dog ate my blog.
Turnips.
I moved and forgot my computer.
There is no blog.
*waves hand in front of your face* This is not the blog you are looking for.
I broke my fingers.
Nothing to write about.
Too much to write about and can't figure out how to write it.
Spending too much time trying to figure out excuses.
Life.
Shit happens.
and my favorite:
Fuck you, I'll blog if I want to!
Ok, now that that is out of the way, I really haven't felt like it to be honest. In the past I would have an idea to express, and then immediately blog it.
Now, I have ideas and don't do that. I let a few moments pass and the idea is either gone or not blog worthy any more.
Perhaps I am just self-censoring and not writing what I feel like writing. Maybe the topic isn't political enough, or personal enough, or interesting enough, so I let it drop.
Ah well, so I will have to get back into the habit of writing what I am thinking and not censor myself anymore.
Wish me luck! (The 2 people who actually continue to check the blog. :) )
Here are a few:
Too tired.
Too busy.
I have been going out so much that I haven't had time.
No one reads my blog anyways, so why write as much.
I have found other things to do, like work.
I'll read yours if you read mine.
Mercury is retrograde so it is a bad time for communication.
My dog ate my blog.
Turnips.
I moved and forgot my computer.
There is no blog.
*waves hand in front of your face* This is not the blog you are looking for.
I broke my fingers.
Nothing to write about.
Too much to write about and can't figure out how to write it.
Spending too much time trying to figure out excuses.
Life.
Shit happens.
and my favorite:
Fuck you, I'll blog if I want to!
Ok, now that that is out of the way, I really haven't felt like it to be honest. In the past I would have an idea to express, and then immediately blog it.
Now, I have ideas and don't do that. I let a few moments pass and the idea is either gone or not blog worthy any more.
Perhaps I am just self-censoring and not writing what I feel like writing. Maybe the topic isn't political enough, or personal enough, or interesting enough, so I let it drop.
Ah well, so I will have to get back into the habit of writing what I am thinking and not censor myself anymore.
Wish me luck! (The 2 people who actually continue to check the blog. :) )
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