Yup, it's one of those kinds of posts.
A look back at the year and what went on...
OR
I could just say that it was a really interesting year, both positive and negative.
I have become a really new person this whole year and there have been many changes and growing pains along the way. Shedding my old skin has not always been easy, especially tonight since I am single once again for New Year's, even though I came close to keeping someone over the New Year change over.
I'm feeling good in that I have changed for the better in most aspects of my life but that whole woman issue thing keeps cropping up. I guess I am not meant to know that kind of love.
I do know that I have all sorts of other kinds of love in all aspects of my life and I totally appreciate each one of you. And love you back! :)
Anyway, I am off to a party. Oh yeah, there is going to be parties on New Year's...Go fig!
See you when they change the whole numbers thing because somehow it seems important to people.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
When to heal
Wow, I didn't realize it has been almost two weeks since my last post.
Ah well.
Anyway, it seems to me that I often do not know when it is a right time to heal someone. I am, after all, a healer at heart. And I am usually able to heal people of their worries and pains.
Before Reiki, I would use my own energy to heal or soothe those who needed it. Now I can use Reiki as well as my own abilities to listen and soothe.
The problem I have found is that I can only heal those who want to be healed. Some people have actively "fought" or "shielded" themselves from any sort of healing.
The real issue is that those who are self-destructive don't want the sort of healing that I can give. They often "fear" that if I heal them they will lose a part of themselves, even if that part is bad for them. It is as if the destructive cycle they are in doesn't want to be broken because it is comfortable, even loved, because that is how they "are". And any potential change or "help" that would break that cycle brings the automatic response as if it were an "attack".
Now, I am the kind of person that likes to help those I care about and it saddens me that I can't help those people I care about that are in destructive cycles.
But I can only be available to them when they finally, if ever, realize that I can be a source of positive influence in their lives.
So, here I am, ready to heal those who want it. :)
Let me in and it will be a good thing for us both.
Ah well.
Anyway, it seems to me that I often do not know when it is a right time to heal someone. I am, after all, a healer at heart. And I am usually able to heal people of their worries and pains.
Before Reiki, I would use my own energy to heal or soothe those who needed it. Now I can use Reiki as well as my own abilities to listen and soothe.
The problem I have found is that I can only heal those who want to be healed. Some people have actively "fought" or "shielded" themselves from any sort of healing.
The real issue is that those who are self-destructive don't want the sort of healing that I can give. They often "fear" that if I heal them they will lose a part of themselves, even if that part is bad for them. It is as if the destructive cycle they are in doesn't want to be broken because it is comfortable, even loved, because that is how they "are". And any potential change or "help" that would break that cycle brings the automatic response as if it were an "attack".
Now, I am the kind of person that likes to help those I care about and it saddens me that I can't help those people I care about that are in destructive cycles.
But I can only be available to them when they finally, if ever, realize that I can be a source of positive influence in their lives.
So, here I am, ready to heal those who want it. :)
Let me in and it will be a good thing for us both.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Discourse on Voluntary Servitude
Here is a treatise that I am reading written in 1548 by Étienne De La Boétie and is very prevalent and important even today.
http://www.constitution.org/la_boetie/serv_vol.htm
Read it...it is thought-provoking. :P
http://www.constitution.org/la_boetie/serv_vol.htm
Read it...it is thought-provoking. :P
Questions
I am curious as to why I am inclined to convey information that I find interesting or relevant to me. Especially when it concerns how to throw of the shackles of oppression or tyranny or any number of hierarchical thought-suppressing ideas.
Is it that I need to somehow justify these things by acknowledgement of others?
Obviously it is doing a poor job in this venue since there are few who read this or indeed respond.
Or perhaps it is just me wanting people to start to realize that they are free and don't need to have negativity or suppression in their lives.
Indeed it most likely is this choice since, in the long run, the more people who are "compassionately selfish" the more I can be myself without fear of retribution by any "government" or "authority".
I am inherently a good person, too good in some situations, and I look to the betterment of myself and of others, especially those I consider my friends or family.
Perhaps this is, in some small way, contributes to the rest of my community in allowing them to learn what I have learned. It will also allow me to better myself in that I will have "like-minded" folks to discuss and better formulate ideas about life and love and freedom.
Anyway, this post was more about internal discourse rather than external, but I am more than happy to receive comments about ideas that I have put out there and the links I provided to ideas that should be thought-provoking, positively or negatively.
If not, then it is as normal around here. ;)
Is it that I need to somehow justify these things by acknowledgement of others?
Obviously it is doing a poor job in this venue since there are few who read this or indeed respond.
Or perhaps it is just me wanting people to start to realize that they are free and don't need to have negativity or suppression in their lives.
Indeed it most likely is this choice since, in the long run, the more people who are "compassionately selfish" the more I can be myself without fear of retribution by any "government" or "authority".
I am inherently a good person, too good in some situations, and I look to the betterment of myself and of others, especially those I consider my friends or family.
Perhaps this is, in some small way, contributes to the rest of my community in allowing them to learn what I have learned. It will also allow me to better myself in that I will have "like-minded" folks to discuss and better formulate ideas about life and love and freedom.
Anyway, this post was more about internal discourse rather than external, but I am more than happy to receive comments about ideas that I have put out there and the links I provided to ideas that should be thought-provoking, positively or negatively.
If not, then it is as normal around here. ;)
Monday, December 12, 2005
Atheist Manifesto
I know, people will hate me for bringing more insight into religious idolatry but it needs to be said. Or at least, shown in the light of day once in a while:
http://www.truthdig.com/dig/item/200512_an_atheist_manifesto/
http://www.truthdig.com/dig/item/200512_an_atheist_manifesto/
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
It appeared before me brightly
Here is a short Lovecraftian-style story I wrote not too long ago.
It doesn't really have a title, so I am using a part of the first sentence for the "title".
Anyway, I hope you like it. :)
============================
It appeared before me brightly, fluorescently. I dared not look directly at it for it pained me to gaze upon it in its glory. The aching on the back of my eyes was testament to that.
I am not sure exactly where it came from or exactly what it was and I am afraid if I knew those things I would not be able to return to life as I once knew it. Perhaps even now, knowing of its existence would make that true as well.
I could not hold onto the talisman any stronger without breaking it, knowing that in that instant, I would be no more and the circle would be broken. It knew my thoughts perhaps even before I knew them and I remained frozen in fear. It knew that I merely had to touch the talisman I had made, per the ritual instructions, to the circle, also per the ritual, and it would be banished.
I had spent the better part of a week assembling the parts needed to make my talisman and circle. I gathered the rosewood from an antique chair I bought on eBay. The feathers were another matter. It is not often one finds feathers for a Resplendent Quetzal, or knows what one is for that matter, but I suppose that is what I get for using a Central America sourced ritual.
Really, the hardest part for me was to use my own blood in the creation of the circle. I am not exactly strong in the pain category so it took a good twenty minutes for me to get the nerve to stab my thumb and drip it into the rosemary, talc, and sage mixture for the circle. But, oh boy, since I laid that circle down, things changed.
The energy of the room electrified as I used the mortar and pestle to grind my ingredients together. It was as if it knew what I was planning and was setting up my room as its gateway. It knew, it was ready and it was full of glee.
Well, it was full of glee until I showed it my talisman. Perhaps it was too overconfident in its own self-worth to believe I could still be holding onto this talisman in its presence. And I could feel the rage building. I could feel it strengthening. It was only a matter of moments before it would break through, if only I would let it.
Fear does strange things to men. In some, it causes panic and flight. To preserve oneself was the ultimate necessity regardless of any consequence, even at the expense of those he loves the most. With little rational thought, he would throw his wife and children in front of such a being, such as I was confronting now, for the mere few extra moments he may have to survive such an encounter.
There are other men who would willingly sacrifice themselves for the “greater good”. Total disregard for all that holds him dear and willingly give himself over to his own demise. A man who would push aside even his enemy to take on the immense being I hold in front of me to give them a mere few extra moments after his death.
Then there are men like me, both rational and emotional at the same time. Willing to sacrifice himself for those he holds dear, but selfish enough to know that sacrificing in vain is as pointless as it is wasteful. This is why, at this very thought; I began to lower the talisman.
A shriek of fear and anger and agony and astonishment so deafening as to wake even a stone was bellowed by it that I nearly snapped my talisman, the only protection in the universe that I needed at this moment. If even the feather were to become unattached I would be damned to some hellish nonexistence forever knowing I have doomed all mankind to the whims of this metaterrestrial.
But a sudden calm came over me. I knew beyond all knowing that I could banish this creature, at least this time, back to whence it came. By a mere touch of my efficant I would be free from its sway and its wrath. In mere moments I would have it be gone.
Let me note, at this time, a little quirk when it comes to rituals. In no way do I advocate using them, especially ancient ones that have been translated perhaps too many times. It is this mistake that I made in conjuring such a monstrosity and using such a ritual of protection that instantaneously I was aware of another presence in my room. A being I loved so dearly that my heart sank with a voluminous thud when the shrieking turned immediately to a cancerous laughter so despicable as to almost be contagious.
It knew and it leapt from the circle of protection. I slumped in fear as it came at me. Its touch was so cold that I shall shiver no longer in the dead of winter. In that moment, I knew that death or worse was here for me and in that moment I knew that it was not to be right now.
As I landed on my blue-green carpet, I saw from the corner of my eye the last glimmer of the burning, fluorescence of the beyonder enter my beloved kitten Mortimer, who had deftly opened my bedroom door to see what the racket had been. Who could have known that only whose blood that was in the circle of protection was protected?
And knowing in my heart of hearts that I had doomed us all because of that damn ritual I found on the Internet!
It doesn't really have a title, so I am using a part of the first sentence for the "title".
Anyway, I hope you like it. :)
============================
It appeared before me brightly, fluorescently. I dared not look directly at it for it pained me to gaze upon it in its glory. The aching on the back of my eyes was testament to that.
I am not sure exactly where it came from or exactly what it was and I am afraid if I knew those things I would not be able to return to life as I once knew it. Perhaps even now, knowing of its existence would make that true as well.
I could not hold onto the talisman any stronger without breaking it, knowing that in that instant, I would be no more and the circle would be broken. It knew my thoughts perhaps even before I knew them and I remained frozen in fear. It knew that I merely had to touch the talisman I had made, per the ritual instructions, to the circle, also per the ritual, and it would be banished.
I had spent the better part of a week assembling the parts needed to make my talisman and circle. I gathered the rosewood from an antique chair I bought on eBay. The feathers were another matter. It is not often one finds feathers for a Resplendent Quetzal, or knows what one is for that matter, but I suppose that is what I get for using a Central America sourced ritual.
Really, the hardest part for me was to use my own blood in the creation of the circle. I am not exactly strong in the pain category so it took a good twenty minutes for me to get the nerve to stab my thumb and drip it into the rosemary, talc, and sage mixture for the circle. But, oh boy, since I laid that circle down, things changed.
The energy of the room electrified as I used the mortar and pestle to grind my ingredients together. It was as if it knew what I was planning and was setting up my room as its gateway. It knew, it was ready and it was full of glee.
Well, it was full of glee until I showed it my talisman. Perhaps it was too overconfident in its own self-worth to believe I could still be holding onto this talisman in its presence. And I could feel the rage building. I could feel it strengthening. It was only a matter of moments before it would break through, if only I would let it.
Fear does strange things to men. In some, it causes panic and flight. To preserve oneself was the ultimate necessity regardless of any consequence, even at the expense of those he loves the most. With little rational thought, he would throw his wife and children in front of such a being, such as I was confronting now, for the mere few extra moments he may have to survive such an encounter.
There are other men who would willingly sacrifice themselves for the “greater good”. Total disregard for all that holds him dear and willingly give himself over to his own demise. A man who would push aside even his enemy to take on the immense being I hold in front of me to give them a mere few extra moments after his death.
Then there are men like me, both rational and emotional at the same time. Willing to sacrifice himself for those he holds dear, but selfish enough to know that sacrificing in vain is as pointless as it is wasteful. This is why, at this very thought; I began to lower the talisman.
A shriek of fear and anger and agony and astonishment so deafening as to wake even a stone was bellowed by it that I nearly snapped my talisman, the only protection in the universe that I needed at this moment. If even the feather were to become unattached I would be damned to some hellish nonexistence forever knowing I have doomed all mankind to the whims of this metaterrestrial.
But a sudden calm came over me. I knew beyond all knowing that I could banish this creature, at least this time, back to whence it came. By a mere touch of my efficant I would be free from its sway and its wrath. In mere moments I would have it be gone.
Let me note, at this time, a little quirk when it comes to rituals. In no way do I advocate using them, especially ancient ones that have been translated perhaps too many times. It is this mistake that I made in conjuring such a monstrosity and using such a ritual of protection that instantaneously I was aware of another presence in my room. A being I loved so dearly that my heart sank with a voluminous thud when the shrieking turned immediately to a cancerous laughter so despicable as to almost be contagious.
It knew and it leapt from the circle of protection. I slumped in fear as it came at me. Its touch was so cold that I shall shiver no longer in the dead of winter. In that moment, I knew that death or worse was here for me and in that moment I knew that it was not to be right now.
As I landed on my blue-green carpet, I saw from the corner of my eye the last glimmer of the burning, fluorescence of the beyonder enter my beloved kitten Mortimer, who had deftly opened my bedroom door to see what the racket had been. Who could have known that only whose blood that was in the circle of protection was protected?
And knowing in my heart of hearts that I had doomed us all because of that damn ritual I found on the Internet!
Monday, December 05, 2005
No Title
I have no subject really to talk about. I just felt the urge to write something.
I have been feeling kinda weird today and it is annoying.
I am not sure if I feel bad or good or just indifferent. It really depends on the hour I suppose.
It is a case of me working on myself and finding out how best to deal with new situations in my life.
On one hand, I am excited about the way my life is right now with new opportunities and new situations. And on the other, scared of new situations and unknown possibilities.
See, I enjoy new things but I also fear them sometimes too. It really all depends on my thoughts at the moment. It would seem I am unstable but really they are subtle changes rather than drastic swings.
I don't know, I am usually pretty good at dealing with most situations but on occasion I am clueless. And it's the not knowing that really irks me the most.
As you can tell, I am rambly. :)
Anyway, it really is a matter of figuring out where I am right now and how much I can deal with the mystery of it all. Eventually I will know, but I dislike being kept in the dark. Then again, not knowing might be blissful ignorance after all. :)
Ah well, I can't get back into my random thoughts and imagined scenarios too much. Accept what is and deal with it. It's too bad it can't go exactly how I want all the time. There's wishful thinking at its finest. :)
I have been feeling kinda weird today and it is annoying.
I am not sure if I feel bad or good or just indifferent. It really depends on the hour I suppose.
It is a case of me working on myself and finding out how best to deal with new situations in my life.
On one hand, I am excited about the way my life is right now with new opportunities and new situations. And on the other, scared of new situations and unknown possibilities.
See, I enjoy new things but I also fear them sometimes too. It really all depends on my thoughts at the moment. It would seem I am unstable but really they are subtle changes rather than drastic swings.
I don't know, I am usually pretty good at dealing with most situations but on occasion I am clueless. And it's the not knowing that really irks me the most.
As you can tell, I am rambly. :)
Anyway, it really is a matter of figuring out where I am right now and how much I can deal with the mystery of it all. Eventually I will know, but I dislike being kept in the dark. Then again, not knowing might be blissful ignorance after all. :)
Ah well, I can't get back into my random thoughts and imagined scenarios too much. Accept what is and deal with it. It's too bad it can't go exactly how I want all the time. There's wishful thinking at its finest. :)
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Granfalloon
Please read this article (and all the other one's on that site if so inclined):
http://www.buildfreedom.com/tl/tl07a.shtml
My concepts of the Slavespeak that I use can now be discarded as I intended to do but without a clear reason why I should. Now I have a clear reason to and I hope that everyone who reads the article will also be so enlightened.
(I find writing in E-Speak very difficult right now, so I guess I need more practice!) :)
http://www.buildfreedom.com/tl/tl07a.shtml
My concepts of the Slavespeak that I use can now be discarded as I intended to do but without a clear reason why I should. Now I have a clear reason to and I hope that everyone who reads the article will also be so enlightened.
(I find writing in E-Speak very difficult right now, so I guess I need more practice!) :)
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