Children

I have always thought about having kids with the right woman. I think the hard part so far is finding the right woman, but that's another thing entirely.

I am great with kids. I can let myself think on their level and be free and imaginative while also maintaining the need for restraint, discipline and protection if necessary. It kinda goes hand in hand with my dual nature. I use my logic to make sure things don't get out of hand or are too dangerous while also being able to be imaginative and play in a day-dream like state because kids tend to think that way.

Anyway, I want kids, but I also realize that the responsibility of another human being would potentially be a huge burden on me. I am generally an unregimented person and so I tend to do things on a whim and a prayer, which does not lend itself to a stable environment very often. And kids generally, as far as I can tell, need some measure of a schedule, like sleeping and eating and all that.

I bring this up mainly because I have a few friends with children and with children on the way. I have watched as they have grown up, from the outside, and have helped when needed on occasion.

So the thing is, would I really be that great of a father? I suppose I can be, but would take tons of effort. Am I ready? I guess you never really know until you do it, but I do know I am a lot more ready now then in the past few years. But there is a lot of hardship and heartache that can be associated with child-rearing.

How would I react the first time my child said they hated me? And what about diapers? I get queasy thinking about bodily expulsions from myself, let alone anyone else.

Then again, what would it be like to give unconditional love and to be loved? Knowing everything they do is new to them and be able to experience it all over again for yourself through their eyes?

I guess it is really moot until I find someone that has love for me and that I love. I am a romantic at heart so the whole full sharing thing I can do with my lover as well as with my children.

Ah well, maybe it might not be a good idea to bring a delicate young being into this world of darkness. Then again, I am a protector, white knight kinda guy so it might be just the mission I need to have.