So I have been in a weird mood the past day or two. So to share in my mood I offer some really bad rude jokes that will be sure to offend!
WARNING: If you are easily offended or have a weak stomach, do not read any of these jokes!
<---------- Here we go ------------->
Question
What is the difference between and onion and a hooker?
You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.
*******************
Blind Herbie
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one.
If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.
The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before.
'Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.'
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 'Mother! Mother! I still can't see!'
'I know, dear,' said his mother. 'April Fool!'
*******************
Bouncing Baby
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.
"Here's your baby, maam" says the doctor.
The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.
Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, "My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!"
The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, "April Fools!!! He was already dead!"
*******************
Gold medal
What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded!
*******************
Hot Tub Riddle
What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?
Toss in your laundry.
*******************
How do you make a dead baby float?
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.
*******************
Leper at the World Series
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
*******************
The Bowl of Chili
Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn't stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.
The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he'll have and he looks at that chili and says, "Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I'll have that."
The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker's steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, "hey, I'm still kind of hungry, if you're not gonna eat that, may I?" and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.
Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there's this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, "yep, that's as far as I got, too!"
*******************
Knitting In The Waiting Room
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
No comments:
Post a Comment