Rollercoaster

So I had an up and down weekend this weekend as far as my emotional control or at least my thoughts.

I was on the verge of reverting back to the way I was a year ago. Cocoon myself and pretty much hate myself again because I had feelings of insecurity and lack of self-worth.

It is not easy feeling rejected or boring or unstimulating. Which I was.

I also don't like feeling helpless, which is also something I went through.

I also realized that I am not in control of myself as I led myself to believe. Mainly because things were going my way and my armor was pretty and shiny! Now that the real chinks are laid bare once more, I felt like giving up or becoming a shell once more.

But I have been processing most of that today and it feels as if I am breaking out of that idea.

I still have this over-active imagination thinking that my self-worth is directly correlated to other people and how they see me. And really it isn't, but it sure is nice to validate it once in a while when people want to spend time with me.

I kept going through all these scenarios and what-ifs on who I really am and why people reject me. Still not really sure why that is but for the most part I think it has a lot to do with all the feelings and idea that they are having and they are blocking anything good that might come there way, especially someone like me. :)

Now, I am pretty out-going when it comes to people I hang out with and get along with and I have been getting much better at dealing with people other than my friends. I still have the self-conscious thing on occasion when I TRY to impress someone or want to hang out with someone. And I know that formula all too well. It doesn't work.

I really need to get back to being myself all the time. It shouldn't matter what other people think and what is really important is being genuine. My friends are my friends because they know me for who I am. Anyone else that doesn't want to know me because of that is mere chattel.

Sure, that sounds condescending, but why should I surround myself with people who don't like me? Or people who don't know a good thing when they see it? :)

Who is or isn't in my life will work itself out one way or another.

I just like to know who they are. :)

And I look forward to finding someone that I can be intimate with that enjoys me for me and not some icon or false idea of me. I think I was TRYing to be something other than myself partially and it made it difficult to reconcile that with how she thought of me and how I really am.

Live and learn, or else! :)